On Comfort And Grief

As I write this my mother lays very sick in the hospital many hours away. Just a few short months ago she was living in her own apartment, fixing her own meals and shopping for her own groceries. Then, she broke her hip and had it surgically repaired, and returned home seemingly on the mend. Everything seemed fine, but some test or another revealed something else to the surgeon.

After several biopsies it was revealed that she had cancer in her lymph nodes. Just last Friday the Doctors said this was very treatable and they were to begin chemo treatments today. Just half a dose to see how her body would handle it. Our hopes were high. I waited for my sister’s call that Mom was doing fine after the chemo. Then last night an MRI revealed a very aggressive brain tumour too severe to expect good response to treatment. As my niece said, "one moment she’s aware and then next she’s out of it."

We are half way there, held up in a hotel for the night. I want to get there to see my Mom, to talk to her, to do what I can. I have experienced a lot of difficulties and hurts over the years. I’m not impervious or unfeeling but I have had to learn to role with the punches. Sometimes life kicks you in gut and you’ve got to decide whether you’re going to let it destroy you or build you. Whether you will become better or bitter because of it.   As I’ve thought forward to a time like this, I thought I’d be pretty strong, and unemotional. I think I will be when its needed, but I find myself way more emotional then I ever thought I would be.

Over the years I have comforted a lot of people facing suffering, loss and even death. I’ve sought to bring comfort to those who faced long hospital stays, dying loved ones, tragic deaths, suicides and have even walked with those facing their own inevitable death. But this is different. It has never happened so close to home. This is my mom and the outlook doesn’t look good. I’ve always been the one bringing comfort in the midst of grief. Now that I’m facing this from the other side of the table things look a little different and I’m thinking from the perspective of the comforted rather than the comforter.

Until the past few months, the last time my mom was in the hospital was when she delivered me almost 62 years ago. I’m hoping that my mom will recover, but what if she doesn’t? What if she does not respond to treatment, what if there is no treatment? How do you comfort someone in times like this? Here are some thoughts (in random order) as I wrestle with all this.

1. Don’t Be Afraid of My Tears - Let Me Heal

Today when I called one of my Elders to tell him the situation and inform him that I would be going to see my mom, I felt a lump in my throat and had to pause as I held back the tears. Having lost someone very dear to him, I knew he understood. Jesus also understood. He had stood at the grave side of Lazarus and was deeply moved at the death of His friend and the pain of the mourners.¹ Don’t be afraid of the tears, they are part of the mourning and part of the healing.

2. Don’t Try Eliminate My Sense Of Loss. - Share In The Value Of My Memory

Yes, if our loved one is a follower of Jesus we have the hope of Heaven and the hope of reunion, but that doesn’t eliminate the sense of loss in this world. There will be no Sunday afternoon calls to my mom to talk about the Blue Jays, to annoy her by lovingly calling her "old girl" or for her to ask how the kids are doing. My mom was a walking encyclopaedia of relatives, birth dates and family information, who could we go to for that information if she is not here.

People have to move through the stages of grief and you can help, but don’t try to eliminate the great sense of loss they are feeling. It is natural and is good. It adds value to their memory.

3. Don’t Insist On Giving Me False Hope - Bring The Comfort Of Christ

I know that God can heal and sometimes for His own sovereign purposes He does. But, more often than not he allows nature to take its course. Please, don’t tell me that if I just had more faith God would heal my mom. Frankly, that’s nonsense. There is no promise from God in His Word that we will all be healed all the time. "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: ... a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (Eccl 3:1,4)

It’s okay to tell the miracles stories you’ve heard or experienced of people in the same circumstance being healed but don’t try to give me false hope, rather help me face the reality of the moment. Help me be prepared in the event that things are not going to get better, that God is not going to heal. (Don’t try to label me as having a lack of faith here. I have experienced God’s healing personally so I know He does great and wondrous things. But the reality is that death is camped outside our door and sooner or later it will take each of us).

Remind me that in my pain and in my sorrow, Christ is there. Remind me that He is my peace and He will not leave me or forsake me in my sorrow and trials.²

4. Don’t Feel You Have To Say Anything - Just Be There

There’s nothing brilliant you can say at time like this. There’s nothing you can say that will take the pain away (as a matter of fact - working through the pain is part of the healing). Some avoid talking with those who are hurting or grieving, or in this case dealing with uncertainty, because they don’t know what to say. I’ve learned over the years of being the comforter that people don’t need you to say anything. Just being there shows your support and is a tremendous encouragement. Knowing you care is enough.   Now I'm learning this by experience.

5. Don’t Under Estimate The Value Of Your Encouragement - Just Do It.

I never knew how important get well cards were until I lay dying in the hospital in 1996. I had always thought they were a waste of money. Then as I lay in that hospital room and cards and letters and visits of encouragement began to come, it lifted my spirits. It reminded me that I was not forgotten, that I mattered.
When your friends are facing trials and grief, don’t under estimate the value of your encouragement. I know that saying "I’ll be praying for you" is the Christian way of saying "I’m thinking about you" or "I’m with you". (I’m sure that many do pray but I’m equally sure many don’t.  We know what you mean). It is important that you show encouragement and support.   A quick e-mail, Face Book post, card, call, they all serve to bring support and encouragement.

You know what? I’m okay. I hope these thoughts might help you come along side those in your circle when they face trials and loss.

God Bless You.

Pastor Rick

1.  John 11:33-36
2. John 14:27; Hebrews 13:4