"The Unexpected Journey"

Raw Emotions

(Just over a week ago my family and I started an "Unexpected Journey" when I was diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer. As you will recall from my last post, statistically that means a life expectancy of about 6 months. On Tuesdays and Fridays I will try to post a new update to share the journey with you in hopes that perhaps it might help you as you journey through the unexpected journeys of life.)

I told you I’d journal this "Unexpected Journey" because it would be therapeutic for me and perhaps helpful for others who go through troubled waters (if not now, just wait, it will come).     Well, this is going to be messy. If you don’t want open, honest, raw emotions then turn back now before its too late.    Close this blog and go back to what you were doing and stand clear.    Life is messy and dealing with it is fraught with nitty gritty emotion when you can’t make sense of it all.

Let me clearly state  up front that my faith in my loving heavenly Father is rock solid.     I believe He is sovereign and can do whatever He pleases but that He is also loving and gracious and knows so much more than I can see or comprehend.     I do not question the goodness of God nor His plan for my life, or death.    Like Job, I would say, "Though He slay me, still I will hope in Him. "     Still, I am a human being created by God with emotions.    It is not ungodly to express emotion in fact it is healthy and good.    So if you’re not ready to hear some raw emotion (which is not always expressed with rationality) this is your last chance to turn back.

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I did not sleep well last night knowing that I had my first appointment with the Surgical Oncologist this morning (Tuesday March 11,2014).    Though there was a hidden hope that either he’d say there had been some mistake or that he could deal with the cancer, I knew that was not rational and that in reality he was going to tell me what I already knew.    That Stage IV Pancreatic cancer is an appointment with death in 6-12 months with a little chemotherapy.    It felt like I was preparing for a visit to my executioner who would put one more nail in my coffin.    This would be the authoritative voice telling me the bad news I already knew.

The "Unexpected Journey" began today at 5 am when I woke up and did a little bit of work and as I mulled things over in my mind my emotions began to surface.    Just before my wife Wendy woke, I found myself on our bed trying to choke back the tears.    Soon I was sobbing and calling out to God looking for some kind of answers. He seemed so far away.

My cries went on for some time and were something like this.    "God, I love you and I trust you, I trust your goodness, but I just don’t get it."     I was sobbing and shaking.     "God, I just don’t get it. I don’t get it. I don’t  get it. I don’t get it ....    Wendy and I have given ourselves to you.    We have poured ourselves out.    We’ve left it all on the table and held nothing back, and this is how its going to end."     I just couldn’t get my head and my emotions past the fact that we had sacrificed so much for the cause of Christ and the Kingdom (Remember this isn’t necessarily rational or theologically correct. It’s raw emotion and it takes time to process the emotions and bring them in line with the truth in which we trust).

"God, you have every right to do whatever you wish with your servant.    I have not been a perfect servant and certainly not your best, but have I been such a bad man, a bad husband, father, pastor, that you have to take me out like this?"    These words were spoken between great big sobs and tears so that the sheets on our bed were visible wet.
  

"Wendy doesn’t deserve this.    I know you can use this to bring growth in her life and I trust you for that.     She’s so scared.     She doesn’t deserve this and I can’t do anything to stop it.    Why God? Why?   (Not why as in what right do You have but why in the sense that I just don’t understand. Don’t give me that nonsense that you can’t ask God why?)

Wendy woke and gently put her hand on my shoulder but did not interrupt.     (Sometimes you just have to allow people space to grieve).    Deep sobs.    "We have sacrificed so much for ministry Father, we have tried to be faithful, we’ve sacrificed time together for the sake of the church, we’ve pushed our own needs aside so many times for others and here we are and you seem so far away.   Is this how it's going to end?     Where are you, where are you, where are you, where are you?    You seem so far away.      I know you’re here but you seem so far away. Come and embrace us. God where are you."

It flashed through my mind that I was like a slave tied to a post having my back lacerated. Not by God, but by this disease, this fallen world, this brokenness, whatever.    "It hurts God. It hurts.   Oh God, Oh God, Oh God ..."

"I am your servant God, I surrender to your will." (Sob after Sob). Over and over again I repeated,  "I don’t get it. I don’t get it. I don’t get it. I don’t get it."     How can it all just end like this.    There are so many things we need to do in our ministry in Cuba through Calvary Road Gospel Association.    There are some good things happening in our church at Parkway Bible Church.   There are things at home that have to be put in order.   "God, I just don’t get it.  I don't get it.   I don't get it  ....."

It has been an exceedingly emotional day.     I don’t ever remember one like it.    There are still things I don’t understand.     Why would God take me out now?     If He’s going to heal me, why is He taking so long (I actually can think of reasons why but not when I’m in the throws of grief).     How could it be that just when my wife, who has given so much in service, would have to leave her church family when she needs it the most?      How can it be that literally thousands and thousands of Christians around the world are praying and asking God for healing and I have no assurance that He will?     (This is not lack of faith. Watch for a blog post on "Faith, Prayer, and Healing").

We went downtown to the Doctor and got the official word.    There is nothing they can do but perhaps relieve a little pain and give just a little precious time.    I believe absolutely that God can heal.    He did it in my life 18 years ago and we are grateful for those years.    There are thousands of people all over the world praying for my healing.    Perhaps He will show favour and spare me one more time that I might serve Him,  but if not, He will use this for His glory and I believe for the good of many others.

What keeps my emotions from winning the day, is my rock solid faith in Christ my Saviour who has been my Rock since I was 12 years old. Though He may seem a million miles away, I know that He is near,  and I will trust Him in the midst of this "Unexpected Journey" until I see Him face to face.

(Oh, and if you want to pray that God would heal me and keep me out of heaven for a few more years then please join the thousands of others who are praying the same prayer).