MEDICAL UPDATE # 2

Anointing By The Elders

Let me thank all of you who are following "The Unexpected Journey" and who are fervently praying for me. I am amazed and humbled by the vast numbers of you and am convinced this can be nothing but a prayer movement orchestrated by God Himself.
 

It seems good that I give you a bit of a Medical Update on my situation. Again, I am humbled that you should be concerned and be concerned to such a depth that you have me in your mind and bombard the gates of heaven on my behalf.
 

I have excellent care at the Princess Margaret Hospital in downtown Toronto which is one of the top 5 pancreatic cancer centres in the world. My regiment is to have three weeks of chemotherapy and then have one week off. They will do this for two cycles and then do a CT Scan to see what effect the treatments are having. 
  

I have had two chemotherapy sessions. My third session which was scheduled for Friday April 11 was cancelled because my blood platelets were low. Platelets are the clotting agent. If they go too low you can bleed easily. They decided it was not worth the risk of knocking them lower. Friday April 18 was my scheduled day not to have chemo and so I have not had any chemo for two weeks.
 

I am very fortunate that I have had very little side effects from the chemotherapy. I have had some fatigue which causes me to slow down and rest. I try to wisely use my high energy times to complete my pastoral work and things that must be done at home and then rest before I get too fatigued. This is a challenge for me as I am a pedal to the medal kind of guy that is use to going wide open all the time. You can pray for me in that regard that I will rest when I need to. I am so thankful that I have had no problem with nausea or vomiting. Though a big surprise came the other day when a whole lot of hair came out when I was in the shower the other day and has continued to fall. Only the white hair has survived, but I suspect that will be gone after the next treatment which is scheduled for this Friday, April 25.
 

I have not yet had any symptoms of the cancer itself. This is amazing and in fact if I had not been visiting my Doctor in February for another issue, I might not yet be aware that I even have cancer.
 

One issue that is extremely frustrating to me is the hacking cough and on again off again high fever which is what took me to my family Doctor back in February. This has complicated things with the chemo. When you are on chemo your immune system is compromised and you can easily get infections which might get into your vital organs. Therefore, when you get a fever you are to go to the hospital to make sure the fever is not related to the cancer. This has actually sent me to the hospital emergency room with a false alarm at least twice in the past few weeks. The latest on Thursday night when I went to the hospital at 11pm and was not released until Friday morning at 9:30 am. I was in no shape to do our Good Friday Service at 10:30 am which was very disappointing.

 

It seems that this fever strikes me often and leaves me exhausted. I’m sorry to say, I don’t handle it very well because my body is fighting the cancer and chemo well but losing the battle with this cough and fever. I’ll be talking to my Medical Oncologist about this on Tuesday when I have an appointment with her. Please pray that they will get to the bottom of this as this seems to be what is laying me aside these days from time to time.
 

On Sunday April 27, 2014 at the conclusion of the morning service at Parkway Bible Church (77 Ivordale Cres, Scarborough) the Elders of our church will lay hands on me, anoint me with oil and pray over me according to the instructions of James 5:13-16. If you would like to join us the Anointing Service will last about 20 minutes. Below you will find the official request that I sent to our Elders requesting anointing. They have chosen to do this publically as a teaching tool for our church and to encourage more people to heed this Biblical admonition. 
 

Thank you once again for your fervent and continued prayer. Our prayer for healing is not just so that I can live longer but that my life might continue that I might serve God with diligence and faithfulness. God Bless you all.

Because of Calvary
Pastor Rick
Letter Of Request To Board of Elders
 - this letter is shared here simply to help you understand something of how "Anointing with Oil" could work in your church.    If anointing with oil is not something your church be careful how you approach this.   It should never become a divisive issue in your church.   But you could share this letter and my previous blog "Faith, Prayer, and Healing" with your leadership team and simply ask God to use it to move them to look into this matter.

Chairman and Vice Chairman Board of Elders

First, let me just say thank you for the incredible encouragement and support you have both shown me and my family at all times but especially during these days. In addition we have felt the love and support of the Elders and our whole church family at Parkway.

This is an official request to have the Elders anoint me with oil and pray over me in accordance with the instructions outlined for us in James 5:13-18. I will leave this completely to you as to when and where and at what time and how. You may choose to do it privately with the Elders or you may choose to leverage this as an opportunity to instruct and teach the congregation by way of demonstration or even invite others to be anointed. You may choose to involve the whole church so that the whole church is called to prayer etc etc. Which ever way you choose I simply just want to be the recipient and receive this from my church family.

James says "and if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefor confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed." (James 5:15-16). I have searched my heart before God and have asked Him to reveal any sin in my life of which I was not aware. There was one issue which I put to rest. I do not recognize any unconfessed sin but if any of my brethren can see something I do not see, the I welcome their efforts to correct me. May I suggest you send this to all the Elders (perhaps even the Deacons who are also leaders and this could be training for them) so that they can speak to me about such matters before the anointing.

I know that the brass at the AGC office would welcome the opportunity to participate. They should likely be invited. I addition there are Pastors and others in the city who might wish to be part of this. God may use this in amazing ways. However, all of this is at your discretion. I simply throw out some thoughts. I am content to have my fellow Elders determine how and when they do this and have them lay their hands upon me and plead in Jesus name that I might be healed.
Thank you brothers
Because of Calvary

Rick

Faith, Prayer and Healing

Well,  I began this post on Friday April 4,2014 while sitting at the Princess Margaret Hospital, in downtown Toronto waiting for my second chemotherapy treatment, and then later sitting in the chair with an IV drip in my arm and my Ipad on my lap.  (Really not ideal for writing).      The PMH is a world leader in cancer treatment and research.     The best medical science in the world is available here and I am thankful for it.     

The question may arise in some minds, "Rick, if you are really trusting God to heal you, why are you undergoing chemotherapy?"      Some might even consider my taking any medical treatment as a demonstration of lack of faith, which it certainly is not.      You would be surprised at how many people have sent me some health food formula for overcoming cancer and others on a more spiritual sounding note have wanted to send me some special prayer that I should say over myself or a recommendation of their favorite faith healer that I should visit.     I truly do appreciate the concern and I know it is all given with good intentions so I do not get upset with the questions or the well intended but often faulty advice.       I am quite confident in my understanding of God (though surely I do not know everything) and rest in a pretty solid theology. 

There are a lot of questions and certainly controversy when it comes to God, sickness, and the matter of healing.       I have some friends that suggest that my words are powerful and that God has given me all authority so that I should just command the cancer to leave.      Others have suggested that my cancer is an attack of Satan and that I should speak to him and command him to leave.       To cast Satan out of my pancreas,  so to speak.   (Some sickness can be Satanically inspired.   My issue is how we confront it).      

As I've already mentioned, some of my friends, suggest that if I was really trusting God I wouldn't be submitting myself to chemotherapy.     So, it seems good that in this Post, I share with you my theology of faith, prayer, and healing.       It is a solid theology, based in solid exegesis of scripture that I think is solid and avoids the excesses that seem to so easily attract and I believe, deceive many Christians and often leave them disappointed and disillusioned.      I am not going to argue my case so much as just present it as a working theology, to explain how I see scripture and how I seek to live it out and how it directs my steps.       My hope is that it will help you understand how faith, prayer, and healing can operate in your life too without all the erroneous hype, disappointment, and disillusionment you might hear elsewhere.

FAITH

Let's begin with faith.      What is faith?     I think that real Biblical faith is exactly not what most people think of when they talk about faith.     People often say, " Just have Faith" or "Just Believe".     It's as if for them faith is a matter of believing something hard enough that it will become true.      Maybe it’s a kind of 'positive thinking' or certainly at the least a matter of mustering up in yourself the faith to believe everything will be okay.     The problem is, this is nothing more than wishful thinking.    This certainly isn't what Biblical faith is about, and frankly, I need something more than wishful thinking.    Unfortunately this is the kind of faith many Christians practice and advocate even when they cloak it in spiritual sounding lingo like, "You just have to trust God." or "Faith can move mountains so have faith."    Faith is not wishful thinking.

Let me give you a simple illustration.     Suppose a newly married couple desire to have a baby.   Not just any baby but a ‘boy’ baby.      For whatever reason they want a boy, they begin to ask God.  They earnestly pray that God would give them a boy.     Someone tells them they just have to believe, to trust God to give them a boy.      They might even be told that God delights to bless His children so if you just have faith God will give you the desires of your heart.      So, they pray and in their hearts they have ‘faith’ that God will give them a boy.   But, when delivery day comes, it’s a girl.       What happened?    Their ‘faith’ was not really biblical faith at all but a kind of wishful thinking, a hope that was not rooted in the promise of God.    There was no specific biblical promise to them that God would give them a boy and biblical faith is always rooted in the promise of God.

Biblical faith is rooted in an unshakable confidence in the promise of God.     It is not rooted in wishful thinking or a strong desire for a certain outcome but in the confidence that God will do and accomplish exactly what He said He would do.      It is based in the fact, not of what I wish He would do, or what I hope for (wish for), but in the fact that He is faithful to His Word.      If He said it, He will do it.    It is not a matter of saying, I want this result therefore I will believe God for it.      Rather, it is a matter of having absolute confidence that God will be true to whatever He has promised.  He cannot deny Himself.  

You can have absolute confidence in the fact that God is true to His Word and that He will accomplish exactly what He said He would accomplish.     Paul says to the Thessalonians,  “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it” (1 Thess 5:24).  “Faithful” means “true to His Word.”      God is true to His Word.     So faith is always based not in my desire or wish, but in the fact that God is faithful to His Word.   He does what He promises He will do. 

Now, there is nowhere in scripture where God promises to specifically give a couple a ‘boy’ child or heal Rick Hayden.       If there were, I could go to that passage and claim its promise and have absolute assurance that God would heal me because, “He remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself.” 
  
Let me say upfront that I reject the teaching that healing is included in the atonement.     There are many, including some who are my very dear friends who believe that just as Jesus died on the cross for our sins so He died for our disease and that being the case, they believe that just as you receive salvation by faith you receive healing by faith.        They would claim, I believe erroneously, that God has promised to heal our physical ailments in this world and therefore all we have to do is believe it and we have it just as we believe and have salvation.

This teaching is based on what I believe to be a very poor interpretive approach to two basic passages of scripture.

Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken,  smitten by God, and afflicted.   5  But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,  and with his stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:4-5)

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.     25 For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.  (1 Peter 2:24-25)

If you carefully read the passages in their context, both Isaiah and Peter are clearly talking about the issue of sin and how Christ, at the cross, bore our sin.     The disease He heals is our sin.      It seems to me that those who believe that healing is included in the atonement jump to the conclusion, without merit in the context, that the word “healed”  refers to physical healing.     I believe that is a very faulty and dangerous interpretation that is not warranted by the context.   It’s faulty because it leads to a wrong conclusion and its dangerous because it can and has led many people to demand something of God that they have no right to demand.   
 

In my view, God has not promised to heal everyone, of every disease, at all the times, and therefore it is erroneous and dangerous to demand that He does.      If He has promised it and He does not do it even one time, He is not faithful to His Word.       Many people who have been told that God promises to heal everybody have had their faith shaken and left disillusioned when they have tried to claim this as a promise, only to have their loved one die.
 

The bottom line is this.   God is always faithful to His Word.   He will always do what He has promised to do and I can take that to the Bank.    Having said that, there is nowhere in His Word, there is no specific promise from God that He will heal Rick Hayden.  
 

“Well” you say, “then what part does prayer play in healing?”    This is an excellent question and I’m glad you asked.

Prayer

The good news is that God does invite us to petition heaven with our requests and supplications.  There are so many examples and illustrations, and there are so many things we could say about how God will give us the desires of our heart (when our heart is in tune with His), but for space sake let me just offer one scripture.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.     7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:6-7)

We are told not to worry but to “let our requests be made known to God.”    God is good and graciously invites His people to bring their requests to the God who delights in His children.   We don’t always know the mind and will of God but we are invited to come and talk to Him about the things that are a concern to us.     Of course if our hearts are humble we only desire that which would be honouring and pleasing to God.

When it comes to healing, we are invited to tell Him our hearts desire.    All over the world there are people crying out to God, indeed, storming the gates of Heaven,  asking God to not just strengthen me and my family, not just put the cancer in remission, but to clean it out and bring complete healing.    This is what they want and they are crying out to God for it.  (So am I).      Such bold prayers are good and acceptable to God.      Yes, our heart attitude is always, ‘not my will but yours’, but our willingness to submit to God’s will should not diminish our boldness or fervor in prayer.        I admit that sometimes we use “according to your will” to give God a way out.       No, God invites us to bring bold prayers before Him.      We know that God “is able to do to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, (Ephesians 3:20).        Whenever possible we must root those prayers in the promises of God as found in His Word.       When we do, we know we will receive the desired answer.        Sometimes, there is no specific promise in God’s Word and we pour out our heart’s desire to God trusting in His goodness.

For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations. (Ps 100:5)

We also realize that prayer is much more than asking God for something.      That is certainly part of it but that’s not all that it is.      Many people who are bombarding Heaven on my behalf are experiencing deep times of fellowship with God at a level they have not before, at least not on a regular basis.      Praying for me is actually enriching their own spiritual journey and enjoyment of God’s fellowship.      It seems that God is rising up a prayer movement on my behalf that is enriching believers around the world.      I have to confess that I wonder ‘why me?’ when there are so many other faithful servants of God far more worthy,  yet,  this is what God seems to be doing.      People are encountering God in a new ways and trusting Him in ways perhaps they have not before.

In prayer, we enter God’s presence and pour out our hearts to Him and bask in His presence.      Many of us have found that even when we have nothing to ask of Him, we just enjoy Him. 

Healing

Now, what is the connection between Faith, Prayer and Healing.       We believe and know that God can heal.     In fact,  in 1996 I almost died and God did a miracle in my life and raised me up.    (I jokingly ask, “Is a person allowed two miracles in one life”).       There is no question in my mind that it was a miracle that medical science cannot account for.       So, I know, you know, we know,  God can heal.      The question in my present circumstance is “will He heal me?”

This post is already too long so let me take you directly to James 5.

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.    14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.     15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.    16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:13-16)

This is the only clear and direct instruction in the New Testament given to the church when it comes to healing.       It doesn’t say, “if any among you is sick?    Let him run off to faith healers.”     It doesn’t say, “If any among you is sick?       Let him command the illness to come out … cast out the devil … say a special prayer formula etc. etc.”        The command is for the sick to call for the Elders of the church to come and pray over them, anointing the sick with oil in the name of the Lord and as a result, the prayer of faith will save the sick and the Lord will raise him up.     Let me explain to you what I think this means and it will connect the dots between Faith, Prayer, and Healing.

Although there is no specific promise in the Word of God that He will heal Rick Hayden, He does invite us to bring our petitions to Him.      I believe that God is still active in the hearts and lives of those who walk near Him and at times His Spirit communicates with the spirit of God’s people and allows them to know His will in a specific circumstance.    In this case, God speaks into the heart of the Elder of the church to let them know what His will is in this specific circumstance so that when that Elder prays He can pray with faith knowing that God will answer their prayer.      This is the “prayer of faith”.      It is not based on the written Word of God, but on what God has spoken deep into the hearts of His people.    I have experienced this several times over the years so that I could pray with absolute confidence that God was going to answer my prayer in the affirmative.      The danger here is that I can always get the signals crossed.     I must be careful that I don’t attribute my emotion or my strong desire to the Holy Spirit telling me that He is going to do such and such.    This is not for the causal follower.   It demands one to be living in close communion with God so that they can hear the voice of God as He speaks into the heart.

When the Elders gather to pray over the sick, they should have sought the face of God so that they have some sense of what God intends to do.      When God places it upon their hearts that He is going to heal,  they can pray with absolute confidence that God is indeed going to heal.     It is possible that God may not be going to heal and does not grant “the prayer of faith.”       I think this also can happen with individuals who are in close fellowship with God.      There are many people who have told me that they pray “the prayer of faith” and that God has given them confidence that He is going to heal me.      In this case, the faith of their prayer is based on the promise of the Spirit of God to their spirit that this is what He is going to do.       Their prayer therefore is based in what they believe to be the promise of God, not as found in the written Word of God but as communicated to their hearts by the Holy Spirit and therefore they pray with absolute confidence.

I need to caution us that we are human and we can make mistakes as to what God is communicating to our hearts.   This is not as solid a foundation as the promises found in God’s Word.      I have misunderstood on a few occasions myself.       That’s why it is the Elders and not an Elder who come to pray “the prayer of faith.”        God is confirming His will to more than one person.      This is one reason why the church, the body of Christ and its leaders are so important in the lives of believers. 

As I mentioned, this is the only place in the New Testament where we have instruction for the church as to how to deal with healing and the sick.     I am committed to the Word of God and have asked the Elders of my church to anoint me with oil and to pray for me.        We don’t usually do this publically, but for teaching purposes and because our whole congregation at Parkway Bible Church is impacted by my sickness, the Elders have decided to hold this Anointing Service at the conclusion of our morning worship on Sunday April 27, 2014.      They will do it in simple obedience to the command of Scripture and they will trust God for the outcome.       It may be that He would grant to them the “prayer of faith” that they might pray with absolute confidence that God is going to raise me up to health and strength.

First:  

Remember, faith is always rooted in the promise of God and not in wishful thinking or in something I want to happen.   If you take nothing else away from this post make sure you get that right.    Be careful not to claim something as a promise that God has not promised.   That will lead to a crisis of faith and disillusionment. 

Second:

As our hearts beat with the heart beat of God, He delights for us to carry our petitions and supplications to Him in Prayer.    Even if there is no specific promise that you can claim, God delights in us showing our dependence upon Him and He delights to answer the prayers of His people.

Third:

When God’s people bombard Heaven with their prayers; God revives our hearts, we enjoy His fellowship and sometimes for His own sovereign purposes He does something supernatural that will bring glory to His name.     When God heals me it will not be just so I can be well.      It will be because my healing ultimately brings glory to God.     At this point, I believe healing me will remind His church in various parts of the world that He is a God who can do the supernatural and He will be glorified.

•  —If you wish to join us,  the Anointing Service will be held at the conclusion of the 10:30 am morning worship service at Parkway Bible Church – 77 Ivordale Cresent, Scarborough ON. 

• —    I will not send out an email or Face Book notice about this but I will post a medical update tomorrow along with a copy of the letter I sent to our Elders requesting they pray over me.    I want to do this simply so you have an example of how James 5:13-16 can be exercised in your church.    It seems to me that many Christians go running after all kinds of weird and wonderful claims and never actually take seriously the one thing Scripture clearly tells us to do in times of serious illness. 

                                MEDICAL UPDATE

                                                  The Unexpected Journey

I have been finding it difficult to get the time to write on "The Unexpected Journey"  the way I had anticipated.    With several trips to the hospital each week and the fatigue that comes with chemotherapy,   I find I have to preserve my resources for the priorities like being ready for Sundays and fulfilling my pastoral responsibilities.    By the time evening comes,  which is when I write a lot,  I'm tired and it's difficult to write.      Right now I'm working on a Post called "Faith, Prayer, and Healing"  in which I will outline my theology of how faith and prayer intersect with healing.    Of course there are literally thousands of people who are praying that God would be merciful and raise me to health and strength and I think it is important for them to understand how God works.

On Sunday,  April 27, 2014, at the conclusion of our morning service at Parkway Bible Church (77 Ivordale Cres,  Toronto)  the Elders of my church will at my request lay hands on me,  anoint me with oil and pray over me that God would heal me and then they will invite the church family to pray as well.  (|According to James 5:13-16.   This is the only command we have in the New Testament about how we are to approach healing).      My hope is that this will be a powerful visual of what God wants us to do and that it will bring Him ultimate glory.      If you are free that Sunday please come and join us.

For now,  let me just give you a quick medical update on my situation.    Having been diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic cancer,  I was given a death sentence by the medical community.    Without chemotherapy life expectancy is generally less than 6 months and with chemotherapy perhaps one year.    There are some people who go longer but less than 1% have a life expectancy of one year.    In addition,  50% of people do not tolerate the chemotherapy very well.     The odds are stacked against me as far as the medical profession is concerned.

I am impressed with the people and staff at the Princess Margaret Hospital in downtown Toronto.   It is one of the top five,  if not the top, hospital in the world for treating Pancreatic cancer.    I have been very pleased with the care and attention they have given.    In the Post on "Faith, Prayer, and Healing" (Which I hope will be ready in the next few days),   I'll address the fact that I think it prudent to use the best that medical science has to offer and so I am doing as the Doctors say but you must realize that my trust is in the Lord God my creator and sustainer.   He is able to go beyond what medical science can.    I want to make it clear

Psalm 20:7       

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,  but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

Some trust in doctors and some in medical science,  but I trust in the name of the Lord my God.

                                                                                                       Hayden Paraphrase

Now, for the Medical update.    Having been diagnosed February 28,2014  I was fortunate to get to see the specialist at Princess Margaret Hospital fairly quickly.   Through my liver specialist I got an appointment with one of the top surgeons for Friday March 21,2014.     That seemed along way away for me.    I had a CT Scan in July 2013 that showed nothing, now,  I had stage IV Cancer.   This stuff was moving fast and I didn't want to wait almost a month to see a specialist.     I called his office and explained to the Doctors assistant,  "Four weeks is not a long time over 10 years but it is certainly a long time if you only have 6 months to live."     She worked me in to see the surgeon at the GI clinic for Tuesday March 11, 2014.

The visit to the surgeon was highly emotional but necessary.   His job was to tell me what we already knew in terms of the prognosis.    He was to the point and helpful.   There was no option for surgery and chemo might extend my life a few months if I could tolerate it.    As per a previous Post  in "The Unexpected Journey"  that was a pretty emotional day though  we were so calm and collective during our time with the Doctor that the Intern mentioned how calm we were in spite of the news we were being told.     I took the opportunity to tell the 4 medical people in the room at the time that our faith in God was solid and that He was our strength and assurance and the fact that we had a strong prayer support network.    Things moved fairly quickly from that point.    The regiment would be three weeks of chemotherapy and one off.    After the second cycle they will do a CT Scan to see where we are at and how effective the treatment has been.    This will be the first medically verifiable opportunity for God to show His healing power.      We trust Him for His timing.

Two days later on Thursday March 13 I was back to the hospital to see Dr. Natalie Cook the Medical Oncologist who is now walking with me through this "Unexpected Journey."     She outlined the plan going forward which would include chemotherapy but first a liver biopsy would be required to confirm the diagnosis before the chemo could start.     A Liver biopsy on Wednesday March 26, 2014 confirmed the diagnosis and the first Chemotherapy Session was on Friday March 28.    There were some minor complications from the biopsy.   After about four days I had some significant pain as the Liver healed.   This made it a bit difficult to function for a few days but nothing serious.

I had been told that the chemo would most likely have certain effects upon my body.    The first of course was fatigue and the second was that at some point my white blood cell count would go down and I would be susceptible to infection.   Of course the other one I was concerned about was nausea and vomiting.

The first session of chemo,  thankfully,  left no adverse effects.     The second session was on Friday April 4 and I thank God that again there were no adverse effects.    God has been good to me and I feel good.    For the most part you'd never know I have cancer or am on chemo.   No nausea,  and only a little fatigue.    I need to learn to pace myself and that is not easy as I'll explain in a moment.     I am not a good patient so this is a special blessing from God.

However,  if I am not careful and allow myself to get worn down there can be complications as I've experienced the last couple of days.   Yesterday was a very busy day and I expended a lot of energy throughout the day having got caught in an unplanned situation.    By the end of the day I was exhausted by activity that would not normally have bothered me but in this case with a weakened body it left me physically compromised.    In spite of extreme fatigue,  I could not sleep last night nor today.    I moaned with exhaustion and the desire to sleep but could not.    Insomnia is not something normal for me as I'm usually out almost as soon as my head hits the pillow.    I phoned the nurse line they gave me to call.    Insomnia can be a side effect of the chemo and they don't want me not getting sleep and rest.    It is not that my mind is racing or that I am worried about anything.   I just couldn't sleep.   They've prescribed a mild sleeping pill and so, for the first time in my life,  I'll use it tonight so I can be rested.    Tomorrow is study day and I have to be ready for Sunday.

Now, the personal side of this part of the journey.   I don't do slow down well.   My whole life I have been a pedal to the medal kind of person.   I don't know how to do things half way.    I work hard and I play hard.   I live wide open.    Most people have a hard time keeping up.   That's not to brag,  its just the kind of person God made me.     Well, when you have to battle fatigue,   you can't live wide open.   Your body won't let you.    Slowing down and learning to pace myself is an extremely hard lesson to learn.   It's not just hard on the body,  it's hard on the psyche.    I am programed to do but when God allows you to go through an experience like this,  you cannot always do.      In someways this is the most difficult aspect of dealing with cancer and chemotherapy.

After the drain of yesterday,  after Staff Meeting today,  I just had to go home and try to rest.   There were things left undone and I felt guilty, though I shouldn't have and my church is so understanding.  They want me to get well.   But being productive is just part of who I am and when I can't be productive I question my worth.   Now, I know I have to work on that and perhaps that's part of what God wants me to learn in this.    Our value and worth is not tied up in what we can produce but when you are a doer these are the kind of things you have to work through and they remind you that your worth is centred in the unconditional love and acceptance that is found only in Christ.    These are sometimes hard lessons because they go against everything that is natural and normal for you.    Sometimes God has to allow this tension so that you can recentre your life.     Ministry is not the centre of our lives.   Productivity is not the centre of our lives.     Christ is at the centre.   He is our strength.   He is our all in all.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,  Christ in the ear that hears me.

                                                                                                    St. Patrick 377 A.D.