A Few Days Away
- Alone

It had been a hectic pace.     I had received my diagnosis of Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer on Friday February 28, 2014.      Our entire family was still in shock trying to get our heads around this news. 

On Monday the contractors arrived to gut our kitchen and begin 6 weeks of kitchen and house renovations.  There was virtually no where in the house where we could be alone.   The stress levels were high but we coped. 

Sometimes we went for a drive in the car just to get alone and talk.    There were times we wanted to shed tears but there was no privacy.    One day I actually went out to sit in the car just to have a cry and cry out to God.

As soon as the contractors left the visitors started to arrive.     For three solid weeks we had company who had come to visit, show their concern, and presumably see me for the last time.    Though we appreciated their visits, Wendy and I, after eight or nine weeks,  still had not had time to be alone to process things, to talk at a deeper level and just comfort one another.

The Elders and people at Parkway have been phenomenal in their support and had encouraged us to take a Sunday or two off from time to time.     So we took the first weekend in May.      A friend of mine made the arrangements for us at a wonderful bed and breakfast at Niagara on the Lake which is a beautiful part of Southern Ontario Wine Country.   (Neither Wendy or I drink wine but sure do love the country)

We left early Sunday morning and stayed the first night in a quiet hotel just down river from Niagara Falls itself.     These were our first quiet moments.     We held hands and did a little walking around the falls area and had a dinner together.     The first time we were really alone to process what was happening in our lives.

We were determined to, yes be prepared for, the worst, yet we chose to live our lives one day at a time and hope for the best.      We were hugely aware of the thousands and thousands of people world wide who are not just praying for us, but praying for a miracle of healing from God,  so we chose to live in hope that God would grant us His mercy and kindness.

We enjoyed that first night being quiet.     I ran Wendy a bubble bath while I watched a game on TV (can’t remember if it was hockey or baseball).      On Monday morning we took a leisurely drive down the Niagara Parkway to our Bed and Breakfast in a very quiet area outside Niagara on the Lake.       It was a very quiet place after all the commotion we had experienced.      As soon as we drove in the driveway we observed some golden finches and a couple of red breasted grosbeaks near the bird feeders on the front porch.     Our room was really a mini-suite with a bathroom, sitting area with walk out deck and a loft for a bedroom.     There was no cable TV or Internet so this was going to be a really quiet get away.      Just what we needed.

With no agenda or appointments before us there was lots of time to rest and reflect.     That was a good thing  as Monday and Tuesday I was very fatigued from the chemotherapy I had received on Friday.        Its not exactly what you think of when you go away for a few days but I slept a lot Monday and Tuesday while Wendy did some reading.       We did however go for a drive through Wine Country, enjoyed the scenery, and talked about lots of things, laughed together and just enjoyed being with each other.     In the evening we had supper at the Outback in Niagara Falls and took a slow drive back to our B&B along the Niagara Parkway.  

There were some serious things we had to talk about.     Though we are both trusting God to heal me,  we also realize that the natural outcome apart from God's divine intervention is death somewhere within the next ten months.       As we drove slowly along we talked about what life would be like for Wendy without Rick.     This is a road many have trod.     Yes it is a journey many have travelled before,  but this is the first time, and the only time that Wendy will make this journey.      It is frightening.     It is painful.     And it is lonely.     They say when you lose a loved one it takes two  years to adjust.      Yet, you never really get over it.     You  don't forget a lifetime of good times and precious memories.     There is always a missing place in your heart, a missing piece.    You just learn to adjust your life to a new reality that doesn't include the physical presence of your loved one.

We talked long and gently to each other about what life would be like without Rick.     The adjustments that would need to be made, how she could cope, where she would find new hope,  how things would work out financially.        We held hands as we talked.     "What's the point without you?   I don't care about the new kitchen if you are not there to share it with me"  she said through tears.       I reminded her that in time she would find purpose and meaning,  that she still had children and grandchildren to enjoy and over time would find new purpose in ministry and serving.      Tears swelled up in her eyes as she gently cried.   She squeezed my hand gently three times.     She did this often.   "I love you" it says.    I squeezed her hand tightly, "I'm here.   You're safe.   I love you."      These were familiar hand signals.      But this time I thought.   I might not always be here to protect her.     I had to remind myself that she was God's before she was mine and He would have to be her protector.        Though we are aware of the deep depth and maturity of our  love and affection for each other,  this Unexpected Journey was taking it to a whole new level.     Tears were flowing freely and we were more aware than ever that we were the central characters in an incredible love story. 

We ended the evening with a short walk along the edge of the Niagara Gorge and stopped for the longest time just to watch the Red Tailed Hawks soar and hunt over the gorge.    I love birds of prey, raptors.       We had been so busy and disrupted  for the past two months that we'd hardly had time for such a leisurely walk.      Somehow this walk seemed so special, so enjoyable.       There is something about the Unexpected Journey that makes the simple things of life seem so incredibly important and valuable.

We woke up Tuesday morning to a wonderful breakfast provided by our hostess.     She has about a dozen hens that produce fresh eggs daily.      You can't get them any fresher then that.      We had a wonderful discussion with her about her ministry to migrant workers in the Niagara region.      Then it was off to explore.     Of course there was times for naps in between. 

In the evening as Wendy sat on the couch I laid with my head  her lap.      As we talked,  I thought about this incredible woman of God.     She is so unlike me.     She is a gentle quiet giant of a women who requires no fanfare or place In the spotlight.       Unless you know her well you will misunderstand her.       She is highly intelligent, extremely capable, an outstanding organized, has a wonderful sense of humour (we have laughed so much together), politically astute, theologically sound, and has a deep, quiet, and sound as a rock faith in God.   She could have gone far in the business world but when we were married she chose to  be the executive director of our home.     There is no way I could have done half the stuff I've done in ministry without her at my side.     I am the upfront guy but she has been an equal partner through these 38 years of marriage and ministry.

As strong and capable of a woman as she is, it has been my privilege to be her partner and protector for all these years.     Though she is more than capable of handling all that life throws at her,  I have been her protector, security and strength.     I have enjoyed that role.   She has rested in it and had been freed by it.    It has given her a sense of security and safety that has allowed her flourish as the woman God has made her.    Through the years, especially the early years,  when on occasion career women seemed to looked down on her or considered her less than capable for choosing this role, she stood confident in her ability and her choice which she has never regretted.

As I lay with my head in her lap,  I thought, "this woman deserves so much more."  This Unexpected Journey is hers as much as it is mine.     If God chooses not to heal me,  I will be in Heaven, but she will continue the journey alone.     As I said, I know she was God's before she was mine and I must learn to trust her to Him..      But it's so hard.     I cried as she rubbed my arm, not saying a word and she asked no questions.      The deepest communication often requires no words.

Wednesday morning we enjoyed breakfast together as we watched the birds at the feeder through the window.     The morning was fresh and crisp and the effects of the chemo were wearing off.      We decided to take a slow trip back to the city so I called my Administrative Assistant, Janet, to cancel a morning meeting and we enjoyed a leisurely drive through Niagara Wine Country.     I'm a cheese lover and one of the things we love doing is finding the small cheese factories and trying out their specialties.      The Upper Canada Cheese Company was nearby so we made our way there and tested several specialty cheeses.  Bought two cheeses and a bottle of Ice Wine Jam for a total of almost $70.   We must be nuts, but hey, we're spending a few days alone together.  What price can you put on that?

As we passed through Port Dalhousie Wendy spotted a foot bridge over some water.    She loves walking in nature and over such structures and mentioned how she wished we could walk over it.      I still felt weak from the chemo but wanted so much to please her.  Weakened by the chemo I'm often short of breath.     We talked about coming back someday.      "Lord" I said in my heart, "give me some extra strength."      I spotted a shorter boardwalk bridge that I thought might be easier to handle considering my weakened condition and quickly pulled into a parking lot near the water.

We got out of the car and hand in hand we walked along the water trail and over the short bridge.     Then I realized that as we crossed the road this led to a path to the longer bridge.      I thought, "Wendy so enjoys this sort of thing, let's go for it."      So again, hand in hand, we went on the longest walk we've done together since I was diagnosed.     What a beautiful crisp day as we quietly walked across the big foot bridge.   We stopped several times along the way to watch the birds and observe the scenery.      Oh  how we were enjoying this time alone together.

A few more stops along the way.      A quick burger in Beamsville and then back home.    A few days away - alone were so precious.     They bind us together in unfailing love, focus our hope on God alone, and strengthen us for this "Unexpected Journey."

 

Where Do I Begin

(Theme from 'Love Story' - Barry Manilow) 

Where do I begin to tell the story

Of how great a love can be

The sweet love story that is older than the sea

The simple truth about the love she brings to me

...

 She fills my heart

She fills my heart with very special things

Angel songs and wild imaginings

She fill my soul with so much love

That any where I go I'm never lonely

With her around who could be lonely

I reach for her hand

She's always there

 

 

Suffering Through

The "Unexpected Journey"

It’s been almost a month since I’ve posted anything regarding "The Unexpected Journey."      The reason is that I have been suffering and I don’t suffer well.     The effects of the chemotherapy lay me low for days at a time. I’m not in physical pain but certainly there is extreme fatigue where I get exhausted just walking from my bedroom to the kitchen.      Then there is the chemo fog that leaves me unable to focus for any length of time and makes it almost impossible to accomplish anything.     For a guy who lives life pedal to the medal this creates a lot of mental and emotional suffering on my part.     Not to be productive, not to be able to engage life creates a lot of anxiety, anger and tears.     Now the truth is that unless God heals me there are coming days when there will be pain and I will be bed ridden and suffer death.    As I said, I don’t suffer well.      Yet, suffering is part of the human condition.

There are those who would say that good Christians should not have to suffer and that God does not desire for us to suffer.       In the sense that God doesn’t want any to perish I suppose that is true but the fact is that unless a person repents and comes to faith in Christ they will perish.      In the same sense God’s desire for His creation did not include suffering but the moment sin entered the picture suffering became very real not only for the human race but for all of creation.

The subject of suffering is perhaps the most difficult subject for Christian apologists to deal with.    After all, if God is all loving and compassionate, why would He allow suffering?     How can He be a God of love and allow suffering?     And if God is all powerful (Omnipotent) why doesn’t He just eradicate suffering?     The argument then says He is either not loving and compassionate or He is not powerful enough to eliminate suffering and therefore is not God at all.     I think such questioning minimizes the magnitude of both the problem of God and of suffering.     I’m not going to answer all those questions here because I want to talk about suffering as it relates to "The Unexpected Journey" which carries a strong practical and personal element.

Why not us?

A close friend of mine told me of a crushing experience in his family.     A family member faced cancer and perhaps death.     My friend has for almost 40 years been a tireless worker for God.      Leaving the hospital, struggling to make sense of it all, He cried out to God a prayer that I myself have prayed.     "Lord, I don’t get it. Why us? I’ve served you faithfully. Why us? Why now?"     Gently his wife turned to him and said, "Why not us?" The fact is that suffering is no respecter of persons.  

Jesus told us that in this world we should expect suffering. "In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).    Christians are not exempt from suffering.     In fact we will suffer even more because of our faith.

Fours Sources of Suffering

There are at least four sources of suffering.

1. We Live In A Fallen World

The world is not as God created it.      Its hard to overstate the impact of the fall (Genesis 3).     Everything that God had created good has been corrupted.     Sin once unleashed has devastating effects.     Suffering is just part and parcel of living in a fallen world.    The rain, and suffering, fall on the just and the unjust.

The world in which we live groans under the weight and consequence of sin.      Paul said, For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now (Romans 8:22).     Death, disease and suffering are part of that groaning. It’s part of living in this fallen world and it impacts all of us.      Most times suffering is just the result of living in this fallen world.

2. Suffering Can Be The Result Of Satanic Attack

I don’t want to see a demon behind every tree but the fact is that sometimes suffering is the result of Satan’s attack on us.     The most obvious example from the Bible is Job.     For whatever reason God allowed Satan to afflict Job with suffering.      I’m not sure how it works but I do believe that there are times when we invade Satan’s territory that he strikes back and afflicts us. 

 

One of my partners in ministry with whom I have worked closely with for almost 35 years suggested that perhaps because of our work in Cuba where we are taking the gospel to areas once dominated by witchcraft, that this cancer is a result of Satanic attack.       I can’t say I understand why God allows that to happen but we do have this example from Job.

 

3. The Remedial Punishment of God

Now I know that as soon as I relate punishment and the believer some will protest and say that Christ has taken our punishment at the cross.     That is true as far as eternal punishment is concerned.     However, remedial punishment or judgment refers to God’s corrective measures in the life of a believer.    You might prefer to call it discipline.   

For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. (1 Corinthians 11:29-30)

 There are times when God’s children walk in disobedience long enough that He may allow them to suffer in order to turn them back to Him.      It some cases it appears that there may come a point where God simply calls His disobedient children home prematurely. 

 

4. Persecution

I think that most often when the New Testament speaks of suffering it is in the context of persecution for the sake of Christ.       For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, (Philippians1:29).     Remember Jesus said we were blessed when people persecuted us for His name sake

 

The problem is that we most often don’t know the source of our suffering.     When I was first diagnosed I made a careful examination of my life to see if there was some sin, some rebellion, for which God needed to discipline me.      I asked the Elders of my church to examine my life and to tell me if there was something they saw that I should deal with.     One of my dearest friends, as I’ve already mentioned, suggested perhaps my disease was the result of a Satanic attack.

 

 I believe my disease is simply the result of living under the curse of sin in the world.     Bad things happen to good people.     Christians aren’t exempt from the sufferings of this present world.      I often wonder how non-believers deal with such horrific blows and circumstances.

Don’t Be Surprised

Peter told us not to be surprised when we encounter trials.    Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed (1 Peter 4:12-13).     Now I believe that he’s talking specifically about the trials of persecution but the principle is the same.     Why should we be surprised when we encounter trails and suffering.     Why should I be surprised? 

 

James even suggested that we should count it joy when we encounter trials and suffering because God is at work through it to bring about maturity. 

 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,

for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect

and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)

I don’t think he means we are to say "Oh wow,  I sure love this trial and suffering that I’m going through."     Rather I think that he means for us to rejoice because we know that every trial, every experience of suffering, God is going to use to bring us to maturity in Christ and isn’t that what we all want.      I have often said that God is more concerned about our character than our comfort and we are more concerned about our comfort than our character.     Regardless, He uses the Unexpected Journeys in life to conform us to the image of Christ and to bring about our good and His glory.

 

I cannot tell you that this journey we are on is an easy one.     It is the hardest journey my family and I have ever travelled and we recognize that our suffering and our trails pale in comparison to some others.      Yet this is our journey and it hurts.    This is the path that has been chosen for us and we are determined to keep our eyes on Christ who has been our foundation all these years.

 

I don’t think anyone can say that suffering is joyful.    I sure can’t.    I hate it.     I can say however that I take great joy in the fact that the Christ who loved me from the beginning and who has been my constant companion will not leave me in the midst of this journey.     I need to be honest though, sometimes I feel like He has.    There are some days when He seems a million miles away.      It is in those times I must remind myself of the truth that He will not leave me nor forsake me and that one day He will make sense of this suffering.     It is in those times that faith must overcome my emotions and I must believe that God does indeed work out all things for good even though I don’t see it at the moment.
 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,

for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
 

I am not a super saint.     I have feet of clay.     This past week has been particularly difficult as I’ve been laid low by the effects of the chemotherapy.     There have been many tears, even wailing.     I have had to deal with anger and just where do I place this anger.     I am not angry at God.      I trust Him implicitly.     Yet I hate sin and I hate its impact on me, those around me and on my world.      I’m angry about the emotional suffering that I have to face. I’m angry that I can’t do the work of God that I want to do.     I’m angry that I can’t be doing the ministry we do in Cuba.     I don’t like this.     Yet, I know that God is at work to bring about His perfect will, so in that sense I, like James, can count it joy that even in this God is bringing me and those around me to maturity in Christ. It’s not easy but its true.

But For A Season
 

Suffering though is but for a season and the suffering of this present world is nothing to be compared with what God has in store for us beyond this life.     The hope we have in Christ is that one day we will be at home in heaven with Christ.     Through this "Unexpected Journey" I am constantly reminded that I am a victor regardless of what happens.   

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth

comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. . (Romans 8:18)
 

Suffering sucks.    It hurts.    It’s unbearable at times.    It is something God never intended for His creation.    But as followers of Christ we know by faith that God is with us and no amount of suffering will separate us from God’s unfailing love for us and some day we shall arrive safely home where there will be no more suffering.    This we hold to by faith.    We will not be moved by the present circumstances.
 

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation,

or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger,

or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed

all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him

who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor

angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,

nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able

to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

                                                                                                      (Romans 8:35-39)