A Few Days Away
- Alone

It had been a hectic pace.     I had received my diagnosis of Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer on Friday February 28, 2014.      Our entire family was still in shock trying to get our heads around this news. 

On Monday the contractors arrived to gut our kitchen and begin 6 weeks of kitchen and house renovations.  There was virtually no where in the house where we could be alone.   The stress levels were high but we coped. 

Sometimes we went for a drive in the car just to get alone and talk.    There were times we wanted to shed tears but there was no privacy.    One day I actually went out to sit in the car just to have a cry and cry out to God.

As soon as the contractors left the visitors started to arrive.     For three solid weeks we had company who had come to visit, show their concern, and presumably see me for the last time.    Though we appreciated their visits, Wendy and I, after eight or nine weeks,  still had not had time to be alone to process things, to talk at a deeper level and just comfort one another.

The Elders and people at Parkway have been phenomenal in their support and had encouraged us to take a Sunday or two off from time to time.     So we took the first weekend in May.      A friend of mine made the arrangements for us at a wonderful bed and breakfast at Niagara on the Lake which is a beautiful part of Southern Ontario Wine Country.   (Neither Wendy or I drink wine but sure do love the country)

We left early Sunday morning and stayed the first night in a quiet hotel just down river from Niagara Falls itself.     These were our first quiet moments.     We held hands and did a little walking around the falls area and had a dinner together.     The first time we were really alone to process what was happening in our lives.

We were determined to, yes be prepared for, the worst, yet we chose to live our lives one day at a time and hope for the best.      We were hugely aware of the thousands and thousands of people world wide who are not just praying for us, but praying for a miracle of healing from God,  so we chose to live in hope that God would grant us His mercy and kindness.

We enjoyed that first night being quiet.     I ran Wendy a bubble bath while I watched a game on TV (can’t remember if it was hockey or baseball).      On Monday morning we took a leisurely drive down the Niagara Parkway to our Bed and Breakfast in a very quiet area outside Niagara on the Lake.       It was a very quiet place after all the commotion we had experienced.      As soon as we drove in the driveway we observed some golden finches and a couple of red breasted grosbeaks near the bird feeders on the front porch.     Our room was really a mini-suite with a bathroom, sitting area with walk out deck and a loft for a bedroom.     There was no cable TV or Internet so this was going to be a really quiet get away.      Just what we needed.

With no agenda or appointments before us there was lots of time to rest and reflect.     That was a good thing  as Monday and Tuesday I was very fatigued from the chemotherapy I had received on Friday.        Its not exactly what you think of when you go away for a few days but I slept a lot Monday and Tuesday while Wendy did some reading.       We did however go for a drive through Wine Country, enjoyed the scenery, and talked about lots of things, laughed together and just enjoyed being with each other.     In the evening we had supper at the Outback in Niagara Falls and took a slow drive back to our B&B along the Niagara Parkway.  

There were some serious things we had to talk about.     Though we are both trusting God to heal me,  we also realize that the natural outcome apart from God's divine intervention is death somewhere within the next ten months.       As we drove slowly along we talked about what life would be like for Wendy without Rick.     This is a road many have trod.     Yes it is a journey many have travelled before,  but this is the first time, and the only time that Wendy will make this journey.      It is frightening.     It is painful.     And it is lonely.     They say when you lose a loved one it takes two  years to adjust.      Yet, you never really get over it.     You  don't forget a lifetime of good times and precious memories.     There is always a missing place in your heart, a missing piece.    You just learn to adjust your life to a new reality that doesn't include the physical presence of your loved one.

We talked long and gently to each other about what life would be like without Rick.     The adjustments that would need to be made, how she could cope, where she would find new hope,  how things would work out financially.        We held hands as we talked.     "What's the point without you?   I don't care about the new kitchen if you are not there to share it with me"  she said through tears.       I reminded her that in time she would find purpose and meaning,  that she still had children and grandchildren to enjoy and over time would find new purpose in ministry and serving.      Tears swelled up in her eyes as she gently cried.   She squeezed my hand gently three times.     She did this often.   "I love you" it says.    I squeezed her hand tightly, "I'm here.   You're safe.   I love you."      These were familiar hand signals.      But this time I thought.   I might not always be here to protect her.     I had to remind myself that she was God's before she was mine and He would have to be her protector.        Though we are aware of the deep depth and maturity of our  love and affection for each other,  this Unexpected Journey was taking it to a whole new level.     Tears were flowing freely and we were more aware than ever that we were the central characters in an incredible love story. 

We ended the evening with a short walk along the edge of the Niagara Gorge and stopped for the longest time just to watch the Red Tailed Hawks soar and hunt over the gorge.    I love birds of prey, raptors.       We had been so busy and disrupted  for the past two months that we'd hardly had time for such a leisurely walk.      Somehow this walk seemed so special, so enjoyable.       There is something about the Unexpected Journey that makes the simple things of life seem so incredibly important and valuable.

We woke up Tuesday morning to a wonderful breakfast provided by our hostess.     She has about a dozen hens that produce fresh eggs daily.      You can't get them any fresher then that.      We had a wonderful discussion with her about her ministry to migrant workers in the Niagara region.      Then it was off to explore.     Of course there was times for naps in between. 

In the evening as Wendy sat on the couch I laid with my head  her lap.      As we talked,  I thought about this incredible woman of God.     She is so unlike me.     She is a gentle quiet giant of a women who requires no fanfare or place In the spotlight.       Unless you know her well you will misunderstand her.       She is highly intelligent, extremely capable, an outstanding organized, has a wonderful sense of humour (we have laughed so much together), politically astute, theologically sound, and has a deep, quiet, and sound as a rock faith in God.   She could have gone far in the business world but when we were married she chose to  be the executive director of our home.     There is no way I could have done half the stuff I've done in ministry without her at my side.     I am the upfront guy but she has been an equal partner through these 38 years of marriage and ministry.

As strong and capable of a woman as she is, it has been my privilege to be her partner and protector for all these years.     Though she is more than capable of handling all that life throws at her,  I have been her protector, security and strength.     I have enjoyed that role.   She has rested in it and had been freed by it.    It has given her a sense of security and safety that has allowed her flourish as the woman God has made her.    Through the years, especially the early years,  when on occasion career women seemed to looked down on her or considered her less than capable for choosing this role, she stood confident in her ability and her choice which she has never regretted.

As I lay with my head in her lap,  I thought, "this woman deserves so much more."  This Unexpected Journey is hers as much as it is mine.     If God chooses not to heal me,  I will be in Heaven, but she will continue the journey alone.     As I said, I know she was God's before she was mine and I must learn to trust her to Him..      But it's so hard.     I cried as she rubbed my arm, not saying a word and she asked no questions.      The deepest communication often requires no words.

Wednesday morning we enjoyed breakfast together as we watched the birds at the feeder through the window.     The morning was fresh and crisp and the effects of the chemo were wearing off.      We decided to take a slow trip back to the city so I called my Administrative Assistant, Janet, to cancel a morning meeting and we enjoyed a leisurely drive through Niagara Wine Country.     I'm a cheese lover and one of the things we love doing is finding the small cheese factories and trying out their specialties.      The Upper Canada Cheese Company was nearby so we made our way there and tested several specialty cheeses.  Bought two cheeses and a bottle of Ice Wine Jam for a total of almost $70.   We must be nuts, but hey, we're spending a few days alone together.  What price can you put on that?

As we passed through Port Dalhousie Wendy spotted a foot bridge over some water.    She loves walking in nature and over such structures and mentioned how she wished we could walk over it.      I still felt weak from the chemo but wanted so much to please her.  Weakened by the chemo I'm often short of breath.     We talked about coming back someday.      "Lord" I said in my heart, "give me some extra strength."      I spotted a shorter boardwalk bridge that I thought might be easier to handle considering my weakened condition and quickly pulled into a parking lot near the water.

We got out of the car and hand in hand we walked along the water trail and over the short bridge.     Then I realized that as we crossed the road this led to a path to the longer bridge.      I thought, "Wendy so enjoys this sort of thing, let's go for it."      So again, hand in hand, we went on the longest walk we've done together since I was diagnosed.     What a beautiful crisp day as we quietly walked across the big foot bridge.   We stopped several times along the way to watch the birds and observe the scenery.      Oh  how we were enjoying this time alone together.

A few more stops along the way.      A quick burger in Beamsville and then back home.    A few days away - alone were so precious.     They bind us together in unfailing love, focus our hope on God alone, and strengthen us for this "Unexpected Journey."

 

Where Do I Begin

(Theme from 'Love Story' - Barry Manilow) 

Where do I begin to tell the story

Of how great a love can be

The sweet love story that is older than the sea

The simple truth about the love she brings to me

...

 She fills my heart

She fills my heart with very special things

Angel songs and wild imaginings

She fill my soul with so much love

That any where I go I'm never lonely

With her around who could be lonely

I reach for her hand

She's always there