Photo By Bethany Jo Mikelait

The Place Where Nobody Else Can Go

It was a beautiful sunny day as we exited through the revolving doors of the hospital where I had just had a Bone Scan.    The scan was probably the easiest, non-invasive test I had ever had.     The air was warm, the Sun was bright, it was a good day.    But as we walked along the sidewalk my emotions were very near the surface.    I was doing everything possible to keep them from overflowing right there in public.    Wendy could sense it so she said not a word.    She has become very good at judging when I just need time to process things.    We crossed the street and took the elevator to level 6 of the parking garage.     I unlocked the door to the car and held her door open then entered on the drivers side.     Sitting there, the silence was broken, "I just need 3-4 minutes" I said.

In this "Unexpected Journey" I have learned that there is a Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.    This hit me powerfully one day in the waiting room of the chemotherapy clinic as I watched an elderly gentleman whom I see there each week.    He stands out because his bald head is covered with crusty open sores caused by the chemo.     I watched him one day as he chatted with whom I presume to be his daughter.     He was gentle and kind but I could tell that he was not fully engaged.

 

In a moment or two I looked back.     He was sitting there just looking straight ahead, his hands folded in front of him.     I watched him for a moment and then realized that he was in that Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.      It’s different for everyone but I’m sure there are similarities.     It can be a lonely place where no one can go with you, no one can say "I know what you’re feeling" or "I know exactly what you’re going through."     Everyone has a unique personality, a unique set of emotions, and unique set of circumstances and therefore what they are experiencing is unique to them.

As I watched him I empathized with him.    There are things happening to him over which he has absolutely no control.     He cannot control the fact that his own body has turned against itself.     He cannot control the impact chemotherapy is having on his body.     The scars on his head are constant reminders that things are not under his control.      In this Place Where Nobody Else Can Go there is resignation, resignation to the fact that you are in a place that no one else can quite understand.     Resignation to the fact that death is likely just around the corner and you can’t stop it.     Resignation to the fact that things are happening to you that you don’t like, there are treatments and tests that you detest, that rob you of your dignity.

 

As I watched him I thought, friend, I know that place.     Friends and family give wonderful support and encouragement but in the end this is a Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.    You go there alone.     In can be a quiet place and you may hardly think at all.     You don’t analyse the situation, you’re not fighting it.     You are just there and nobody can fully understand what you are thinking or feeling because it is such a unique combination of you and your circumstances.

Being a football fan I can liken it to standing naked on the 50 yard line of a football field and there are 50,000 people in the stands.    You cannot move, you are stuck in that place.    The fans seem to hardly notice but you feel your nakedness.     You feel exposed and vulnerable and alone.      You wish somehow you could escape but you can’t.     You wish someone would come down out of the stands and take you to the dressing room.   But, nobody moves.

 

The wind begins to pick up and blows in your face.    Then the rain starts and the fans begin to leave the stands leaving you alone in the middle of the field.     You want to go too but you can’t move.     You are in that Place Where Nobody Else Can Go and you cannot escape.      The rain is harder now and the wind blows it against your face.     It’s lonely and its cold.     Then, without warning, the lights go out in the stadium, and you are completely alone in the dark.    It is eerie, it seems so deftly silent, yet it is strangely peaceful.     There is nobody there as the wind and the rain pelt you body.     Only you know what its like at that moment and even you can’t understand it.

 

The Bone Scan that morning was a relatively simple affair.     An easy non-invasive test.    In fact as I laid on the cot I fell asleep.    The emotion I was feeling as we sat in the car made no sense.    Nothing more was said but for those 3-4 moments as I just sobbed.     I don’t want to be here.    I don’t want all these tests, I don’t what to have to be going through chemo.     I don’t want this happening in my life.    But there I was, naked in the middle of the field in that Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.

After 3-4 minutes. I wiped my eyes and we drove home, laughing and telling each other jokes and being reminded of wonderful things we have experienced together under the good hand of God.     And perhaps most important of all, we talked about what Heaven would be like and we reminded each other of God’s faithful promise to His children that someday all us, every follower of Jesus,  would  arrive Home safe.