MEDICAL UPDATE

Sunday July 27, 2104

It’s been a mixed month with some good days and some bad days.     Fatigue is something I have faced pretty much every day which is hard for a pedal to the metal kind of guy like me but it is just something you can’t do anything about.    Life is like that and you either roll with the punches or drive yourself crazy.    Most days I’m good from about 7am - 3pm and then take a bit of a rest.
 

I have not had Chemotherapy since July 4.     We were able to schedule a break so that Wendy and I could take a couple of weeks vacation.    We were able to get away to the East Coast for an enjoyable trip though there were some rough days and on a couple of occasions we considered aborting the trip.
 

Once we returned to Toronto I had a very helpful Doctors appointment at Princes Margaret Hospital on Tuesday July 22.       Dr. Natalie Cook is very thorough and helpful in answering questions and helping us understand what is happening with my body.     She was able to give us the report from the Bone Scan I had and it is confirmed that the cancer has spread to my hip and one of my vertebra.     That, of course, was not good news.     Apparently it is very rare with this type of cancer for it to spread to the bone.    Of course I always have to do things the hard way.    I also found out that it is very rare with this kind of cancer to lose your hair but I’ve managed to do that too.     At first I really found myself being self-conscious about being bald and kept my cap on most of the time.    But you know, life will throw you curves and you can’t do one thing about it.     There are things in life, like getting cancer and going bald, that you can’t do anything about.    So rather than fight it I decided to embrace the baldness and sport Kojak look.      It’s happening whether I like it or not.      As I always said to my kids, "It’s not what happens to you but what happens in you that makes the difference."      Attitude is everything.
 

Each time they have measured the Cancer Markers in my body they have been down which means the cancer is decreasing in its activity but none the less still active.    Dr. Cook, however, seemed to be pleased that the markers were down and indicated that it would be months before we would have to worry about the effects of the disease having significant impact.     That does not mean, however, there are not complications as my body fights the disease and the chemotherapy.

 

Fatigue will be an increasing problem as will the pain from the bone cancer.    I’m not big on taking pain killers but have been taking Tylenol on some days to ease the pain a bit.     One of the main problems I’ve had has been a hacking cough that leaves me short of breath and which is often accompanied by a fever.     Once my temperature reaches 101ºf I am to go to Hospital Emergency in case there is an infection somewhere.    Dr. Cook has determined that there is an infection that has to be aggressively dealt with so the Chemo for this past Friday was cancelled so that the this infection could be treated with Steroids and Antibiotics.

 

Like I said, there are good days and bad days and I am thankful that God seems to give me special strength on Sundays so that I can continue to have the joy of preaching God’s Word to our congregation.     When you see me in public you may be fooled by my appearance because I seek to carry myself well and not whine too much or draw attention to myself. However, this disease continues to rage through my body and a Divine healing from God is the only thing that will keep me in this world so we covet your fervent and constant prayers.    

 

Our family continues to trust God with a rock solid faith knowing that He is good and though we certainly hope for a miracle know that failing that God has given us the incredible promise of Heaven and seeing Him face to face.     May I encourage you, that in whatever circumstance you find yourself, trust in God’s faithfulness to see you through and His incredible promises of eternity with Him.

 

Pastor Rick

Photo By Bethany Jo Mikelait

The Place Where Nobody Else Can Go

It was a beautiful sunny day as we exited through the revolving doors of the hospital where I had just had a Bone Scan.    The scan was probably the easiest, non-invasive test I had ever had.     The air was warm, the Sun was bright, it was a good day.    But as we walked along the sidewalk my emotions were very near the surface.    I was doing everything possible to keep them from overflowing right there in public.    Wendy could sense it so she said not a word.    She has become very good at judging when I just need time to process things.    We crossed the street and took the elevator to level 6 of the parking garage.     I unlocked the door to the car and held her door open then entered on the drivers side.     Sitting there, the silence was broken, "I just need 3-4 minutes" I said.

In this "Unexpected Journey" I have learned that there is a Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.    This hit me powerfully one day in the waiting room of the chemotherapy clinic as I watched an elderly gentleman whom I see there each week.    He stands out because his bald head is covered with crusty open sores caused by the chemo.     I watched him one day as he chatted with whom I presume to be his daughter.     He was gentle and kind but I could tell that he was not fully engaged.

 

In a moment or two I looked back.     He was sitting there just looking straight ahead, his hands folded in front of him.     I watched him for a moment and then realized that he was in that Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.      It’s different for everyone but I’m sure there are similarities.     It can be a lonely place where no one can go with you, no one can say "I know what you’re feeling" or "I know exactly what you’re going through."     Everyone has a unique personality, a unique set of emotions, and unique set of circumstances and therefore what they are experiencing is unique to them.

As I watched him I empathized with him.    There are things happening to him over which he has absolutely no control.     He cannot control the fact that his own body has turned against itself.     He cannot control the impact chemotherapy is having on his body.     The scars on his head are constant reminders that things are not under his control.      In this Place Where Nobody Else Can Go there is resignation, resignation to the fact that you are in a place that no one else can quite understand.     Resignation to the fact that death is likely just around the corner and you can’t stop it.     Resignation to the fact that things are happening to you that you don’t like, there are treatments and tests that you detest, that rob you of your dignity.

 

As I watched him I thought, friend, I know that place.     Friends and family give wonderful support and encouragement but in the end this is a Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.    You go there alone.     In can be a quiet place and you may hardly think at all.     You don’t analyse the situation, you’re not fighting it.     You are just there and nobody can fully understand what you are thinking or feeling because it is such a unique combination of you and your circumstances.

Being a football fan I can liken it to standing naked on the 50 yard line of a football field and there are 50,000 people in the stands.    You cannot move, you are stuck in that place.    The fans seem to hardly notice but you feel your nakedness.     You feel exposed and vulnerable and alone.      You wish somehow you could escape but you can’t.     You wish someone would come down out of the stands and take you to the dressing room.   But, nobody moves.

 

The wind begins to pick up and blows in your face.    Then the rain starts and the fans begin to leave the stands leaving you alone in the middle of the field.     You want to go too but you can’t move.     You are in that Place Where Nobody Else Can Go and you cannot escape.      The rain is harder now and the wind blows it against your face.     It’s lonely and its cold.     Then, without warning, the lights go out in the stadium, and you are completely alone in the dark.    It is eerie, it seems so deftly silent, yet it is strangely peaceful.     There is nobody there as the wind and the rain pelt you body.     Only you know what its like at that moment and even you can’t understand it.

 

The Bone Scan that morning was a relatively simple affair.     An easy non-invasive test.    In fact as I laid on the cot I fell asleep.    The emotion I was feeling as we sat in the car made no sense.    Nothing more was said but for those 3-4 moments as I just sobbed.     I don’t want to be here.    I don’t want all these tests, I don’t what to have to be going through chemo.     I don’t want this happening in my life.    But there I was, naked in the middle of the field in that Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.

After 3-4 minutes. I wiped my eyes and we drove home, laughing and telling each other jokes and being reminded of wonderful things we have experienced together under the good hand of God.     And perhaps most important of all, we talked about what Heaven would be like and we reminded each other of God’s faithful promise to His children that someday all us, every follower of Jesus,  would  arrive Home safe.

MEDICAL UPDATE

June 30, 2014

When Excellent Doesn’t Mean Excellent

and Dramatic Doesn’t Mean Dramatic

Well time for another short medical update for those of you who are following the medical aspects of the our "Unexpected Journey."      In my last report to you I told you that through the nurse the Doctor reported, " that my body is responding to the chemotherapy ‘excellently’ and that the cancer has been ‘drastically’ reduced.
 

Well, it turns out that those comments were overly optimistic.     It is true that my body has been handling the chemotherapy fairly well.     My only major side effect is a couple of days of extreme fatigue a week about 4-5 days after chemotherapy.     It’s difficult, but knowing some of the other significant side effects that I could have, I am thankful.
 

However, the idea that the cancer has been drastically reduced is very misleading.      As a layman, hearing the cancer is greatly reduced would lead one to  believe that the 6 cm tumour around the Pancreas was greatly reduced in size.     Such is not the case at all.     In fact it is pretty much the same size as when first discovered.     What was actually ‘drastically reduced’ is what they call the Tumour Markers.      These are bio-markers found in the blood that indicate the presence of cancer and its activity.      My Tumour Markers had gone from 38,000 to 22,000 which is a dramatic reduction but still indicates cancer activity in my body. 
  

On Tuesday June 17 I saw a new Doctor who went over the CT Scan report very carefully and thoroughly with me.      As it turns out, as I said the original tumour around the Pancreas hasn’t changed much in terms of size.      However, the Doctor suggest that in all likelihood the chemotherapy has prevented it from growing and so that is some good news.     In addition, the CT Scan reveals that there are over 20 confirmed or suspect cancer spots in my body including my liver, the lining of my stomach, and other places.     The situation is much more serious than what we were led to believe and needless to say I was quite unsatisfied with the Doctor who gave such a misleading report.     It was as if he didn’t believe I was intelligent enough to understand the situation.     My sense with this Doctor has been that he sees my situation as hopeless so there’s not much point investing much time or effort.      Not much of a confidence booster and I have asked not to be treated by this Doctor again.
 

In addition to this, there is some concern with something they saw on my hips and one of my vertebra.      There is fear that the cancer may have spread to these which of course would be a significant development and complication.     I am scheduled to have a ‘Bone Scan’ this Wednesday which is pretty much an all day affair.     I’ll arrive at the Hospital in the morning and expect to finish about 2-3 pm.

 

Though I continue to function (except the days of fatigue) pretty much as normal, neither I nor any one should be fooled into thinking that my situation is not extremely serious.     There is not long term hope on this earth except by the healing hand of God.     With the possible spread of cancer into the bones, your fervent prayers before God are even more important.     I have always felt that in order for God to get maximum glory in this "Unexpected Journey" then the situation has to be absolutely impossible so that there is no dispute when God moves in a miraculous way.
 

My family continues to be thankful for your continuous, fervent prayer on our behalf.

Prayer Items

• Bone Scan on Wednesday
• Scheduling so that we can get away for a couple of weeks vacation
• - I’ve asked for 2 weeks off of Chemotherapy as opposed to the usual one
• Wendy as she processes things and carries extra responsibility
• Divine Healing - for God’s Glory

Ordinary Days

Waiting for God to move and do something miraculous is a hard thing to do.    God moves in His own time and in His own ways and not in ours.    And sometimes He choses to move in different ways than we expected or had hoped.    Waiting is hard work and yet it is in the waiting that our faith is most strongly built and demonstrated.
 

Meanwhile, how do you live your life while you are waiting?    That has been our dilemma since my diagnosis with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer.     When the Doctors say you have 6-12 months to live, what do you do?     Certainly we are looking to God for a miracle of healing and there are thousands of people world wide praying for that end, but I for one don’t know God’s absolute will in this.    He hasn’t declared to my heart "I am going to heal you." My hope is in Him. I cry out to Him.    We have lots of conversations as to why I think me living longer would bring Him more glory but I don’t know what His plan for me is.     All I know is that He is my shepherd who will lead me through the wilderness and I will arrive safe on the other side.
 

How then do you live your life with the threat of death hanging over your head.    Some people have suggested that perhaps I should just take the next six months off and go on vacation with my family.     Others have suggested that we need to do something that we have longed to do but never got a chance to do.    Still others have suggested that perhaps what we need to do is just what we want to do.
 

The fact is that for Wendy and I we have been doing exactly what we’ve wanted to do all of our married lives. God has called us to be shepherds of His flock.    That’s what we’re called to do.    That’s what we like to do.    That’s what we are hard wired to do.     That’s what we’ve been doing and that’s what we want to continue to do until God calls us home.     I’ve often thought that "man if you only have 6 months to live and you have to change the way you live, you haven’t been living right."    If you’ve been living out God’s will for your life, why do you need to change?
 

So, during this time we’ve just tried to keep living as normal as possible.     I’ve continued to preach and minister to the people of Parkway Bible Church with great joy.    We’ve taken a bit more time as a family to hang out together and we go back and forth to see the grand children more and we are much more conscious of our times together.    But as much as possible we’re just trying to live ordinary lives through this time.

 

Some people are amazed that I keep going and that I (as well as the rest of my family) seem to be handling this so well. There are no heroes here.    We are just a family with their faith firmly rooted in the Great Shepherd who will carry us through this however it unfolds. We didn’t get here all of a sudden.     We have been learning to simply follow Him through the years.    He has been busy building good stuff into us so that in this time of crisis that good stuff takes over and demonstrates itself.    Suffering not only builds your faith, it demonstrates your faith.     It reveals what’s really there. It is only in times like this that you see the depth and reality of your faith. Faith demonstrates itself not in the good times but when it is tested by fire. 

 

Those who truly trust in God, though there are surely many tears and struggles, don’t fall apart when the going gets tough.     It is in those moments that true faith is demonstrated. And just to be clear.    It is God who gives us this kind of faith.    I am not a super saint. Because of what God has been building into my life and into the lives of my family, we don’t know any other way to act than to trust God through this.    We are not heroes.    We act the way we do because that’s the way we act.     We don’t know how to do it any other way.

So, while we wait for God to demonstrate His power and bring healing we seek to live pretty ordinary lives.     We choose to believe that He will heal and yet are well aware that He may choose not to.     Meanwhile, we live for Him and His glory.     That means we go about the business God has called us to do.    It also means we do that with certain limitations that have been placed upon us by my illness.    Here’s a typical week.     We’ll start with Friday because that’s the day I get chemotherapy which pretty much dictates the rest of the week.

                   Friday
- Head to Princess Margaret Hospital down town about 9:30 am for blood test at 10:30 am. Have lunch and head for chemotherapy at 1pm. There are two different drugs that are fed intravenously over about 2-3 hrs. I get to sit in a big comfy chair and can read or do whatever.

Saturday 
- Because Chemotherapy includes steroids Saturdays are usually pretty good days and I am perhaps the strongest in the week. I feel good enough to do some yard work. I used to only review my sermons on Saturdays and do the Power Points but because I lose a lot of time through the rest of the week there are lots of ministry things to get done on the Saturday. I am really thankful for this day.

                   Sunday
- I’m thankful that Sunday mornings I’m still pretty strong and God has been doing amazing things in my heart and in the heart of the Parkway Bible Church congregation. I am thankful to God that I have not missed one Sunday of preaching other than a day off or vacation. - By the time Sunday night rolls around I begin to feel tired.
                   Monday
- Mondays are generally very bad. The steroids are wearing off and the side effects of the drugs (which are virtually poison) begin to kick in. I pray before each chemo session that the drugs won’t hurt me.   - Most Mondays I am so wiped out with fatigue that I don’t move far from my bed. I’m not sure how to describe it other than feeling like you’ve got a bad flu bug and for me my hips and legs and lower body are in pain. 　
                   Tuesday
- Tuesdays are much like Mondays. Sometimes worse. This past week at some point in the afternoon I just laid in bed in pain and misery and wept. This is simply side effects of the chemo but it is very difficult for Wendy to watch me go through. On Monday and Tuesdays I do what work I can at home and this past week on Monday got my sermon notes ready for this Sunday in between a half dozen naps.
                    Wednesday
- Returning more or less to normal. Most Wednesdays I’m able to go to the church and function much like normal.
                    Thursday
- Feeling pretty strong (not as strong as when I’m not on chemo but strong). Though I get winded easily I can pretty much function as normal. I’ve pretty much reduced my work load to that which is essential so Wednesdays and Thursdays are pretty important days in which I work hard. I’ve cut out un-necessary meetings and activities so that I can give my attention to Parkway. Saturday is also a day for getting work done.

Other than Mondays and Tuesdays when I’d rather not see anyone and when I am feeling like death warmed over, I am seeking to live a normal life and pursuing normal activities.     I’ve got my Argos seasons tickets bought and am looking forward to the games. Tim and I are going to be taking in some Blue Jays games.    We’re going to be doing some picnics with our family. 
  

I know that many people don’t know how to approach us or how to treat us when they see us.     It’s easy really. Just treat us as you normally would.      We’‘re still Rick and Wendy and we’ve got all the interests we’ve always had.     We don’t dwell on my illness.    We appreciate your concern and it’s okay to ask about my condition but we are interested in discussing all kinds of other things as well.     We’re actually more interested in hearing how you are doing then talking about how we are doing.     The last thing Wendy and I need is to be pitied.     Yes there are lots of concerns and issues we must face, but we are doing well and we have the Good Shepherd who is leading us through this. 
 

Lately thoughts about Heaven have been very strengthening for both of us and our family as we’ve discussed what Heaven will be like.     We are reminded that Heaven is all about Christ.     He is the one we love with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.     We have been following and serving Him all these years and in Heaven we will see Him face to face and that’s what will make Heaven, Heaven.
 

We’ve also been reminded of how privileged we have been to serve Him in this world. They say that everyone wants to go to Heaven but no body wants to die.    I really get that. I oscillate between getting excited about Heaven and ministry here on earth.    We were created for life and not death and I believe that God has placed a survival instinct within us that makes us want to continue to press on in this life.      I think of so many things I’d like to see happen at Parkway and it seems that God is up to something good in the church that I want to be part of.      I think of the ministry in Cuba through Calvary Road.     There are so many opportunities opening up. So many people and ministries we could help.    The Container with hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical equipment is ready to be shipped and I want to meet it when its opened at the nursing home in Cuba.
 

I know that ultimately God is sovereign and God is in control.    I know that I will not leave this world until I have completed the assignment God has given me.     Meanwhile, I am just an ordinary guy seeking to do God’s will.    My family is just an ordinary family seeking to live one day at a time under God’s direction.    We are just ordinary people firmly in His grip.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. 

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

(Psalm 46:1-2)

MEDICAL UPDATE

Monday June 2, 1014

 

It has been a while since we’ve given you a Medical Update, so here it is.

The original CT Scan that was taken on Thursday February 27, 2014 and a subsequent liver biopsy revealed that there were 5 cancerous lesions on my liver and a 6 cm mass around the base of my Pancreas.       There were some other things that were inconclusive.         I was told that without chemotherapy life expectancy was 3-6 months and with chemotherapy 6-12 months. Give or take.
 

I began chemotherapy on Friday March 28.     The regiment is three weeks on and one week off.      I completed two rounds of Chemotherapy and a second CT Scan was conducted.     I had an appointment with the Medical Oncologist on Tuesday May 13, 2014 at which I was to get a report.      Unfortunately because of a backlog the CT report was not ready for that appointment.     Which really made the appointment a waste of time as that was the purpose.

 

However, we made a phone call to the Hospital on Friday May 16, 2014 and the nurse reported the Doctors observation. The Doctor reported that my body is responding to the chemotherapy "excellently" and that the cancer had been "drastically" reduced. No specifics were given as to the present size of the mass on my Pancreas.

The Doctor is anxious to get a hold of the original CT Scan done back on Thursday Feb. 27,2014 so he can compare the two.      We took a copy of that scan to the Hospital this past Friday. 
 

I will complete the third round of chemotherapy this Friday and have an appointment with the Medical Oncologist on Tuesday June 17 at which time I hope to get more details as to the size of the mass and the Doctors perception of the difference between the two CT Scans.

Please be reminded that Chemotherapy is not going to cure this.    There is no cure.    The only thing the chemo will do is give a little more time.     The real cure for this is Divine healing that only comes from our Lord. Please keep praying.

 

Day To Day Health

Some of you have been wondering about my day to day health.      I am doing remarkably well.      In fact, things are going extremely well.       Thank God that the only effects of the Chemotherapy is periods of fatigue where I just have to rest.     No vomiting, nausea, or other effects other than my hair has fallen out.        My beard got so patchy I had to shave it off after having it for nearly 30 years.        Needless to say I feel a bit naked without my hair.

I can get winded fairly easily if I exert to much physical energy but I am trying to function as normally as possible and reserve my energy for essential tasks.        I am pretty much maintaining my regular work schedule with counselling, administration, sermon preparation etc.          When I need to, I take a rest and I feel free to turn down appointments if necessary.        Everyone reminds me that I am fighting cancer and Chemotherapy and I have to look after myself.      I’m trying.

In public, other than the fact that you’d notice my hair loss, you would never know there is something wrong with me.       My preaching over the past several months I am told has been especially meaningful and powerful and I have not missed a Sunday.     There is really no need for you to treat me with kid gloves.    I try to rest when I can so that I can keep appointments.    If I'm in an appointment with you and feel tired,  I'll just excuse myself.    I am exceedingly thankful to God that I can carry on.

 

A big thanks to all of you who faithfully pray for me and my family.      There are litterally thousands of you all over the world.       Many of you I know personally and some of you I do not.        I am amazed at the prayer movement God is raising up on my behalf.        Only a healing touch from God will preserve my life that I might continue to ministry.      There is so much more I want to do and accomplish.        There are people in Cuba who long to see me and count on me to help in their ministries.       The work at Parkway Bible Church is getting exciting and I think God is up to something and I want to be part of it.

 

Prayer Request:
 1) Sustaining grace for my family and I as we take this "Unexpected Journey."
        - We are seeking to live normal lives

2) The continued positive impact of the Chemotherapy and for good medical attention.

3) Continued ability to conduct ministry and honour God in all that we do.

4) Divine healing. That there would be, not a remission, but a complete elimination of the cancer that would bring God ultimate glory and encourage His church world wide.

　

Thank You and God Bless You.

Because of Calvary

Pastor Rick

 

 

 

 



A Few Days Away
- Alone

It had been a hectic pace.     I had received my diagnosis of Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer on Friday February 28, 2014.      Our entire family was still in shock trying to get our heads around this news. 

On Monday the contractors arrived to gut our kitchen and begin 6 weeks of kitchen and house renovations.  There was virtually no where in the house where we could be alone.   The stress levels were high but we coped. 

Sometimes we went for a drive in the car just to get alone and talk.    There were times we wanted to shed tears but there was no privacy.    One day I actually went out to sit in the car just to have a cry and cry out to God.

As soon as the contractors left the visitors started to arrive.     For three solid weeks we had company who had come to visit, show their concern, and presumably see me for the last time.    Though we appreciated their visits, Wendy and I, after eight or nine weeks,  still had not had time to be alone to process things, to talk at a deeper level and just comfort one another.

The Elders and people at Parkway have been phenomenal in their support and had encouraged us to take a Sunday or two off from time to time.     So we took the first weekend in May.      A friend of mine made the arrangements for us at a wonderful bed and breakfast at Niagara on the Lake which is a beautiful part of Southern Ontario Wine Country.   (Neither Wendy or I drink wine but sure do love the country)

We left early Sunday morning and stayed the first night in a quiet hotel just down river from Niagara Falls itself.     These were our first quiet moments.     We held hands and did a little walking around the falls area and had a dinner together.     The first time we were really alone to process what was happening in our lives.

We were determined to, yes be prepared for, the worst, yet we chose to live our lives one day at a time and hope for the best.      We were hugely aware of the thousands and thousands of people world wide who are not just praying for us, but praying for a miracle of healing from God,  so we chose to live in hope that God would grant us His mercy and kindness.

We enjoyed that first night being quiet.     I ran Wendy a bubble bath while I watched a game on TV (can’t remember if it was hockey or baseball).      On Monday morning we took a leisurely drive down the Niagara Parkway to our Bed and Breakfast in a very quiet area outside Niagara on the Lake.       It was a very quiet place after all the commotion we had experienced.      As soon as we drove in the driveway we observed some golden finches and a couple of red breasted grosbeaks near the bird feeders on the front porch.     Our room was really a mini-suite with a bathroom, sitting area with walk out deck and a loft for a bedroom.     There was no cable TV or Internet so this was going to be a really quiet get away.      Just what we needed.

With no agenda or appointments before us there was lots of time to rest and reflect.     That was a good thing  as Monday and Tuesday I was very fatigued from the chemotherapy I had received on Friday.        Its not exactly what you think of when you go away for a few days but I slept a lot Monday and Tuesday while Wendy did some reading.       We did however go for a drive through Wine Country, enjoyed the scenery, and talked about lots of things, laughed together and just enjoyed being with each other.     In the evening we had supper at the Outback in Niagara Falls and took a slow drive back to our B&B along the Niagara Parkway.  

There were some serious things we had to talk about.     Though we are both trusting God to heal me,  we also realize that the natural outcome apart from God's divine intervention is death somewhere within the next ten months.       As we drove slowly along we talked about what life would be like for Wendy without Rick.     This is a road many have trod.     Yes it is a journey many have travelled before,  but this is the first time, and the only time that Wendy will make this journey.      It is frightening.     It is painful.     And it is lonely.     They say when you lose a loved one it takes two  years to adjust.      Yet, you never really get over it.     You  don't forget a lifetime of good times and precious memories.     There is always a missing place in your heart, a missing piece.    You just learn to adjust your life to a new reality that doesn't include the physical presence of your loved one.

We talked long and gently to each other about what life would be like without Rick.     The adjustments that would need to be made, how she could cope, where she would find new hope,  how things would work out financially.        We held hands as we talked.     "What's the point without you?   I don't care about the new kitchen if you are not there to share it with me"  she said through tears.       I reminded her that in time she would find purpose and meaning,  that she still had children and grandchildren to enjoy and over time would find new purpose in ministry and serving.      Tears swelled up in her eyes as she gently cried.   She squeezed my hand gently three times.     She did this often.   "I love you" it says.    I squeezed her hand tightly, "I'm here.   You're safe.   I love you."      These were familiar hand signals.      But this time I thought.   I might not always be here to protect her.     I had to remind myself that she was God's before she was mine and He would have to be her protector.        Though we are aware of the deep depth and maturity of our  love and affection for each other,  this Unexpected Journey was taking it to a whole new level.     Tears were flowing freely and we were more aware than ever that we were the central characters in an incredible love story. 

We ended the evening with a short walk along the edge of the Niagara Gorge and stopped for the longest time just to watch the Red Tailed Hawks soar and hunt over the gorge.    I love birds of prey, raptors.       We had been so busy and disrupted  for the past two months that we'd hardly had time for such a leisurely walk.      Somehow this walk seemed so special, so enjoyable.       There is something about the Unexpected Journey that makes the simple things of life seem so incredibly important and valuable.

We woke up Tuesday morning to a wonderful breakfast provided by our hostess.     She has about a dozen hens that produce fresh eggs daily.      You can't get them any fresher then that.      We had a wonderful discussion with her about her ministry to migrant workers in the Niagara region.      Then it was off to explore.     Of course there was times for naps in between. 

In the evening as Wendy sat on the couch I laid with my head  her lap.      As we talked,  I thought about this incredible woman of God.     She is so unlike me.     She is a gentle quiet giant of a women who requires no fanfare or place In the spotlight.       Unless you know her well you will misunderstand her.       She is highly intelligent, extremely capable, an outstanding organized, has a wonderful sense of humour (we have laughed so much together), politically astute, theologically sound, and has a deep, quiet, and sound as a rock faith in God.   She could have gone far in the business world but when we were married she chose to  be the executive director of our home.     There is no way I could have done half the stuff I've done in ministry without her at my side.     I am the upfront guy but she has been an equal partner through these 38 years of marriage and ministry.

As strong and capable of a woman as she is, it has been my privilege to be her partner and protector for all these years.     Though she is more than capable of handling all that life throws at her,  I have been her protector, security and strength.     I have enjoyed that role.   She has rested in it and had been freed by it.    It has given her a sense of security and safety that has allowed her flourish as the woman God has made her.    Through the years, especially the early years,  when on occasion career women seemed to looked down on her or considered her less than capable for choosing this role, she stood confident in her ability and her choice which she has never regretted.

As I lay with my head in her lap,  I thought, "this woman deserves so much more."  This Unexpected Journey is hers as much as it is mine.     If God chooses not to heal me,  I will be in Heaven, but she will continue the journey alone.     As I said, I know she was God's before she was mine and I must learn to trust her to Him..      But it's so hard.     I cried as she rubbed my arm, not saying a word and she asked no questions.      The deepest communication often requires no words.

Wednesday morning we enjoyed breakfast together as we watched the birds at the feeder through the window.     The morning was fresh and crisp and the effects of the chemo were wearing off.      We decided to take a slow trip back to the city so I called my Administrative Assistant, Janet, to cancel a morning meeting and we enjoyed a leisurely drive through Niagara Wine Country.     I'm a cheese lover and one of the things we love doing is finding the small cheese factories and trying out their specialties.      The Upper Canada Cheese Company was nearby so we made our way there and tested several specialty cheeses.  Bought two cheeses and a bottle of Ice Wine Jam for a total of almost $70.   We must be nuts, but hey, we're spending a few days alone together.  What price can you put on that?

As we passed through Port Dalhousie Wendy spotted a foot bridge over some water.    She loves walking in nature and over such structures and mentioned how she wished we could walk over it.      I still felt weak from the chemo but wanted so much to please her.  Weakened by the chemo I'm often short of breath.     We talked about coming back someday.      "Lord" I said in my heart, "give me some extra strength."      I spotted a shorter boardwalk bridge that I thought might be easier to handle considering my weakened condition and quickly pulled into a parking lot near the water.

We got out of the car and hand in hand we walked along the water trail and over the short bridge.     Then I realized that as we crossed the road this led to a path to the longer bridge.      I thought, "Wendy so enjoys this sort of thing, let's go for it."      So again, hand in hand, we went on the longest walk we've done together since I was diagnosed.     What a beautiful crisp day as we quietly walked across the big foot bridge.   We stopped several times along the way to watch the birds and observe the scenery.      Oh  how we were enjoying this time alone together.

A few more stops along the way.      A quick burger in Beamsville and then back home.    A few days away - alone were so precious.     They bind us together in unfailing love, focus our hope on God alone, and strengthen us for this "Unexpected Journey."

 

Where Do I Begin

(Theme from 'Love Story' - Barry Manilow) 

Where do I begin to tell the story

Of how great a love can be

The sweet love story that is older than the sea

The simple truth about the love she brings to me

...

 She fills my heart

She fills my heart with very special things

Angel songs and wild imaginings

She fill my soul with so much love

That any where I go I'm never lonely

With her around who could be lonely

I reach for her hand

She's always there

 

 

Suffering Through

The "Unexpected Journey"

It’s been almost a month since I’ve posted anything regarding "The Unexpected Journey."      The reason is that I have been suffering and I don’t suffer well.     The effects of the chemotherapy lay me low for days at a time. I’m not in physical pain but certainly there is extreme fatigue where I get exhausted just walking from my bedroom to the kitchen.      Then there is the chemo fog that leaves me unable to focus for any length of time and makes it almost impossible to accomplish anything.     For a guy who lives life pedal to the medal this creates a lot of mental and emotional suffering on my part.     Not to be productive, not to be able to engage life creates a lot of anxiety, anger and tears.     Now the truth is that unless God heals me there are coming days when there will be pain and I will be bed ridden and suffer death.    As I said, I don’t suffer well.      Yet, suffering is part of the human condition.

There are those who would say that good Christians should not have to suffer and that God does not desire for us to suffer.       In the sense that God doesn’t want any to perish I suppose that is true but the fact is that unless a person repents and comes to faith in Christ they will perish.      In the same sense God’s desire for His creation did not include suffering but the moment sin entered the picture suffering became very real not only for the human race but for all of creation.

The subject of suffering is perhaps the most difficult subject for Christian apologists to deal with.    After all, if God is all loving and compassionate, why would He allow suffering?     How can He be a God of love and allow suffering?     And if God is all powerful (Omnipotent) why doesn’t He just eradicate suffering?     The argument then says He is either not loving and compassionate or He is not powerful enough to eliminate suffering and therefore is not God at all.     I think such questioning minimizes the magnitude of both the problem of God and of suffering.     I’m not going to answer all those questions here because I want to talk about suffering as it relates to "The Unexpected Journey" which carries a strong practical and personal element.

Why not us?

A close friend of mine told me of a crushing experience in his family.     A family member faced cancer and perhaps death.     My friend has for almost 40 years been a tireless worker for God.      Leaving the hospital, struggling to make sense of it all, He cried out to God a prayer that I myself have prayed.     "Lord, I don’t get it. Why us? I’ve served you faithfully. Why us? Why now?"     Gently his wife turned to him and said, "Why not us?" The fact is that suffering is no respecter of persons.  

Jesus told us that in this world we should expect suffering. "In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).    Christians are not exempt from suffering.     In fact we will suffer even more because of our faith.

Fours Sources of Suffering

There are at least four sources of suffering.

1. We Live In A Fallen World

The world is not as God created it.      Its hard to overstate the impact of the fall (Genesis 3).     Everything that God had created good has been corrupted.     Sin once unleashed has devastating effects.     Suffering is just part and parcel of living in a fallen world.    The rain, and suffering, fall on the just and the unjust.

The world in which we live groans under the weight and consequence of sin.      Paul said, For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now (Romans 8:22).     Death, disease and suffering are part of that groaning. It’s part of living in this fallen world and it impacts all of us.      Most times suffering is just the result of living in this fallen world.

2. Suffering Can Be The Result Of Satanic Attack

I don’t want to see a demon behind every tree but the fact is that sometimes suffering is the result of Satan’s attack on us.     The most obvious example from the Bible is Job.     For whatever reason God allowed Satan to afflict Job with suffering.      I’m not sure how it works but I do believe that there are times when we invade Satan’s territory that he strikes back and afflicts us. 

 

One of my partners in ministry with whom I have worked closely with for almost 35 years suggested that perhaps because of our work in Cuba where we are taking the gospel to areas once dominated by witchcraft, that this cancer is a result of Satanic attack.       I can’t say I understand why God allows that to happen but we do have this example from Job.

 

3. The Remedial Punishment of God

Now I know that as soon as I relate punishment and the believer some will protest and say that Christ has taken our punishment at the cross.     That is true as far as eternal punishment is concerned.     However, remedial punishment or judgment refers to God’s corrective measures in the life of a believer.    You might prefer to call it discipline.   

For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. (1 Corinthians 11:29-30)

 There are times when God’s children walk in disobedience long enough that He may allow them to suffer in order to turn them back to Him.      It some cases it appears that there may come a point where God simply calls His disobedient children home prematurely. 

 

4. Persecution

I think that most often when the New Testament speaks of suffering it is in the context of persecution for the sake of Christ.       For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, (Philippians1:29).     Remember Jesus said we were blessed when people persecuted us for His name sake

 

The problem is that we most often don’t know the source of our suffering.     When I was first diagnosed I made a careful examination of my life to see if there was some sin, some rebellion, for which God needed to discipline me.      I asked the Elders of my church to examine my life and to tell me if there was something they saw that I should deal with.     One of my dearest friends, as I’ve already mentioned, suggested perhaps my disease was the result of a Satanic attack.

 

 I believe my disease is simply the result of living under the curse of sin in the world.     Bad things happen to good people.     Christians aren’t exempt from the sufferings of this present world.      I often wonder how non-believers deal with such horrific blows and circumstances.

Don’t Be Surprised

Peter told us not to be surprised when we encounter trials.    Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed (1 Peter 4:12-13).     Now I believe that he’s talking specifically about the trials of persecution but the principle is the same.     Why should we be surprised when we encounter trails and suffering.     Why should I be surprised? 

 

James even suggested that we should count it joy when we encounter trials and suffering because God is at work through it to bring about maturity. 

 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,

for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect

and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)

I don’t think he means we are to say "Oh wow,  I sure love this trial and suffering that I’m going through."     Rather I think that he means for us to rejoice because we know that every trial, every experience of suffering, God is going to use to bring us to maturity in Christ and isn’t that what we all want.      I have often said that God is more concerned about our character than our comfort and we are more concerned about our comfort than our character.     Regardless, He uses the Unexpected Journeys in life to conform us to the image of Christ and to bring about our good and His glory.

 

I cannot tell you that this journey we are on is an easy one.     It is the hardest journey my family and I have ever travelled and we recognize that our suffering and our trails pale in comparison to some others.      Yet this is our journey and it hurts.    This is the path that has been chosen for us and we are determined to keep our eyes on Christ who has been our foundation all these years.

 

I don’t think anyone can say that suffering is joyful.    I sure can’t.    I hate it.     I can say however that I take great joy in the fact that the Christ who loved me from the beginning and who has been my constant companion will not leave me in the midst of this journey.     I need to be honest though, sometimes I feel like He has.    There are some days when He seems a million miles away.      It is in those times I must remind myself of the truth that He will not leave me nor forsake me and that one day He will make sense of this suffering.     It is in those times that faith must overcome my emotions and I must believe that God does indeed work out all things for good even though I don’t see it at the moment.
 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,

for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
 

I am not a super saint.     I have feet of clay.     This past week has been particularly difficult as I’ve been laid low by the effects of the chemotherapy.     There have been many tears, even wailing.     I have had to deal with anger and just where do I place this anger.     I am not angry at God.      I trust Him implicitly.     Yet I hate sin and I hate its impact on me, those around me and on my world.      I’m angry about the emotional suffering that I have to face. I’m angry that I can’t do the work of God that I want to do.     I’m angry that I can’t be doing the ministry we do in Cuba.     I don’t like this.     Yet, I know that God is at work to bring about His perfect will, so in that sense I, like James, can count it joy that even in this God is bringing me and those around me to maturity in Christ. It’s not easy but its true.

But For A Season
 

Suffering though is but for a season and the suffering of this present world is nothing to be compared with what God has in store for us beyond this life.     The hope we have in Christ is that one day we will be at home in heaven with Christ.     Through this "Unexpected Journey" I am constantly reminded that I am a victor regardless of what happens.   

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth

comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. . (Romans 8:18)
 

Suffering sucks.    It hurts.    It’s unbearable at times.    It is something God never intended for His creation.    But as followers of Christ we know by faith that God is with us and no amount of suffering will separate us from God’s unfailing love for us and some day we shall arrive safely home where there will be no more suffering.    This we hold to by faith.    We will not be moved by the present circumstances.
 

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation,

or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger,

or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed

all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him

who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor

angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,

nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able

to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

                                                                                                      (Romans 8:35-39)