MEDICAL UPDATE
             Saturday September 6,2014

So many people are asking and praying about my medical condition and some of you know that I spent four (4) days at the Scarborough General Hospital recently. 1    Since my immunity system is compromised a fever could indicate that one of my vital organs are infected and that could be dangerous and they have advised me to go to emergency if my temperature reaches 101◦f.    

Saturday morning September 23 about 6am my temperature rose to 102◦f and Wendy took me to the hospital.     After some routine test I was admitted and kept in isolation.     To make a long story short I saw several specialist including ‘Medical’, ‘Oncology’, and ‘Infections’ and was treated with IV antibiotics which seemed to do nothing to relieve the fever.      In the end they concluded that they could not pin point the source of the fever and that the fever must be coming from the cancer itself.   

I was released from SGH at about 9am on Tuesday August 26 and travelled across town to Toronto Western Hospital for a CT Scan.     This turned out to be highly significant as I met my Doctor at Princes Margaret Hospital on Wednesday, September 3.      Of course we were hoping to hear that the main tumour on the Pancreas as well as the other secondary tumours had shrunk.     That was not to be the case.

Dr. Cook informed us that the Chemotherapy is not working.        In addition, my cancer markers 2  which had consistently declining had now dramatically increased.   The highest they had been in the past was 28,000 but now they were at 39,000 which means the cancer is very active.    In addition there is a sack of fluid forming around my liver which could develop into a significant complication creating pain and blockage.     They are going to keep an eye on it and if necessary drain it if they can.

Pancreatic Cancer is extremely aggressive anyway but in my case it seems to be going into overdrive.        There are a number of complications that are not usual with Pancreatic Cancer but which have developed in my case.

            1.   Losing of the hair.
                   - Which happened shortly after I started Chemo.

            2.   Cancer spreading to the bone.   
                   -   This is not usual and is extremely painful.
  
            3.   Constant Fever
                   - I battle a fever everyday which can leave you feeling sick as when you have     the flu and leaves you feeling very fatigued.  This now must be managed at home using Tylenol.    


                        DRAMATIC CHOICES FOR THE FUTURE

1.  We Have Decided To Cease All Treatment

Since the Chemotherapy is not working Wendy and I have decided to cease all chemo treatment.       They did offer a 2nd tear treatment which would involved putting a Porta-Cath in my shoulder through which they would administer a different kind of Chemotherapy at home once a week.      There is minimum assurances that this treatment would be helpful.   

Both Wendy and I understood that at best this might mean 2 weeks to 2 months of life, likely in palliative care.      Neither one of us were interested in just extending life without quality of life just for the sake of extending life.       We have absolute confidence that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.      As I told the Doctor, I am not afraid of being dead.   I am concerned about the process.       I do not want to just hold on to any kind of life when I know that what is waiting for me is far better, and Wendy has no desire to keep me alive a while longer if it serves no good purpose and just means I suffer longer.

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  
If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labour for me. 
Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell.  I am hard pressed between the two. 
My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.  
But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.     
(Philippians 121-24)                                                    

2. The Focus Now Is On Managing Pain And Other Symptoms

At this point the focus is on managing the pain that comes with the cancer involving the abdomen as well as the bones, especially in my hips and legs.    This pain can keep me awake at night and make it difficult to walk so the regiment is very aggressive.

3. Manage The Fever

A high fever can appear at any time and the only real management is the use of Tylenol which I find if we catch it early, can be managed. 

                                     PROGNOSIS

We are still asking God to do a miracle and to heal my body.      However, apart from that, my life expectancy now is 0-3 months.       Wendy and I and our family, continue to feel strengthened by your prayers and encouragement.

God continues to raise up people all around the world to pray for us and I am reminded of the words of the Apostle Paul, “as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death.” (Philippians 1:20)


On the one hand we continue to trust and ask God for healing so that we might continue to serve Him.       On the other we embrace the wonderful promise of Heaven and prepare should the Lord decide to take me home.    

Thank you again for your encouragement and fervent prayers.
Pastor Rick

MEDICAL UPDATE

Tuesday August 12,2014　

First, let me thank you all for your interest in this blog and in your continued prayer for me and my family. You will never know just how much it holds us up and encourages us all.

I went one month without Chemotherapy and during that time Wendy and I were able to make a trip to the east coast for some vacation.     It was good to visit some family and friends but especially nice for us to spend several days together at a cottage on PEI.     These were precious days.     Unless the Lord decides to supernaturally heal me, they were the last days for us to vacation together.     There were days when I felt bad enough that I thought we might have to abandon our trip.    Fortunately, that did not happen.

Since the cancer has spread into the hip bone it was producing some significant pain which kept me awake at night and made it difficult to function at times.     My medical team had prescribed some fairly heavy pain medications but then decided to take more direction action.

On Wednesday August 6^th I had an appointment with a radiologist who arranged for me to have radiation that very day on my hip.      There are several cancer spots on my hip and femur and they zapped the most significant one that was causing the pain.     This seems to have alleviated the pain at least for the time being.      With all the complaints I hear about the speed of our health care system I must say I was impressed that they were able to do this so quickly.

There is a significant complication that I would like to bring to your attention and ask you to seriously pray.     As you know it seems that I get the uncommon complications to this disease. For instance, its not normal to lose your hair. I did.     It’s not normal for the cancer to spread to the bone but in my case it has.      Now, it’s not normal to have a hacking cough and spiking fever but this has plagued me for months and is stealing the good days that I would otherwise have. 

Technically, if my fever raises to 101 f (38.3c) I am to go to the local Emergency Department in case there is an infection.      In my case almost every day my temperature rises to as high as 102 f (38.9c) somewhere during the day. Often in the evening.      Obviously, I can’t go to Emergency every day. 

The fact is this has been going on for months and they are unable to determine the source of the fever and have not been able to calm the cough.       It is extremely frustrating and during the bouts of fever I feel absolutely awful.      Think of how your body feels when you have the flu and the double that effect.       It literally sends me to bed in misery.      I have to confess this really plays with me mentally as well as physically.

I am not one to see a demon behind every tree but I must confess that since the medical team cannot seem to find the source or adequately treat this situation, I am wondering if there is some kind of Satanic attack taking place.      I recognize there is a lot of quackery in Christian circles regarding spiritual warfare and frankly, I’m not impressed.     However, we do see in the book of Job that Satan was allowed by God to do some nasty things to Job’s body.      Is it possible that God is allowing Satan to buffet my body for whatever reason.      We also know that Satan loves to oppose the Gospel and thus will oppose God’s preachers.

In any event, I would very much covet your prayers.      These periods of high fever are miserable and discouraging and really get me down.      Perhaps if we bombard Heaven, God will be pleased to answer our prayers and alleviate this situation and at least allow me to enjoy the good days.

The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
(James 5:16 NKJV)

My situation continues to be serious and the only solution is a miracle from God.      When you see me in public you may be deceived because I look healthy and on Sunday mornings it seems that God is giving me supernatural power to be able to preach with confidence and strength.     The fact however is that every day of the week is a struggle.     Let me boldly ask you to continue praying with great fervency that perhaps God will have mercy and grant healing.     Pray that this cough and fever will be removed.      And pray for daily grace to live each day for His glory.

• Pray that God would remove the cough and fever that strikes me daily
• Pray for my family as they increasingly come to grips with an uncertain future
• Pray for Wendy as she seeks to be God’s woman in this situation
• Pray that God might grant healing so that we can continue the Gospel work

Chosen For This Assignment

My friend Tom sat across from me in my office.    He had just returned from a 6 month missions assignment in Thailand.   Tom had been reading the "Unexpected Journey" and I think had a need to eyeball the guy who had written them.    "Your teaching us how to live by teaching us how to die" he said with great sincerity.    I wondered how, but his words were reassuring as I wanted the blog posts to touch on reality and I wanted them to be helpful.     Tom is a thinker kind of guy so he probably has a greater idea of how those blogs are helping then I do.
 

Then in the middle of our conversation Tom made a startling statement, "You were chosen for this assignment" he said.      It’s as if he was saying, just like Abraham was chosen to be the father of Israel, like Paul was chosen to be the apostle to the gentiles, like Peter was chosen to minister to the suffering persecuted church, you have been chosen for this assignment to face death and let the world see how you do it.     It was as if he was saying, "God has built something in you over the years and now He is calling you to fulfill this assignment for which you have been prepared."     Now Tom didn’t say all that, but that’s what I was reading.
 

I feel much too weak for this assignment and do not see what there is in me that would fit me for it.     And quite frankly, I do not want this assignment.     It is harder than anything I have ever done before.   Its not about the dying which brings release and Heaven.   Its about the process.  
 

Having breakfast with another dear friend, he asked, would you rather it happen this way or would you rather go quick.     My immediate response was, "For myself. Take me out quick. But for my family’s sake then this is better for them so I would chose this."     The fact is that there is ample evidence that as God walks me through this process and I share it with you, it seems to be having a profound impact on people around me including my family, friends, church, and people around the world through my blog.      I don’t fully understand how watching me walk through the "Unexpected Journey" has such a profound impact on so many people, but it does.     I don’t fully understand the impact of my words or my life but if this is the assignment God has chosen for me, then I submit myself to it even though I do not understand it nor particularly enjoy it.      As I’ve already stated.    It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
 

I have come to appreciate and understand so much more the reality of Christ’s prayer in the garden the night before His crucifixion.
 

And he withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done."
And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him.
And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. (Luke 22:41-44)

I don’t think He much liked His assignment either.     Like me, He cried that somehow this assignment could be bypassed.     That somehow it could be avoided.     In His humanity, even though He knew He would be resurrected, the assignment of death was hard to take. There seems to be within the human spirit a propensity to avoid death and a desire to live on.    In fact I think this comes from the fact that we were meant to live forever but our rebellion has led to sin and death.
 

Jesus agonized in the garden so much so that He sweat great sweat drops of blood.¹     His assignment of death on the cross and the bearing of our sins was not an easy assignment for Him.     He desperately wanted to avoid it.  

It’s comforting for me to know that my Saviour had some of the same feelings I do about facing death.     Actually, the thought of death itself is not so hard, it is the process that is so hard.      For me, the pedal to the metal guy, the thought of diminishing capacity is extremely hard to process and accept.     I agonize when I see yard work that has to be done, my heart aches when I see Wendy having to do more because I can’t, I feel guilty that I don’t have more to give to the people of my church and I will be devastated when I no longer think I can give an honest days work for an honest days pay.     For the Saviour, I’m sure the thought of bearing our load of sin to the cross and sensing the Father’s judgment on our behalf caused Him to agonize.

Remember, what ever suffering you may be facing, "we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:15). He is not a God who cannot be touched by your sorrow and your struggle.     He Himself struggled in the garden.      He Himself in His humanity sought to escape the reality of suffering yet He endured it.      He experienced it and so He can sympathize with what you are going through.      You can be comforted by that thought and strengthened by the fact He actually did go through the suffering.    He knows what you are going through.     He’s been there and done that.
 

For me, every day now seems to involve increasing effort and pain of some sort.    Most recently the cancer has spread (unusual for pancreatic cancer but then I never do anything the easy way) to the bone which has caused significant pain in my hips, legs and back that now require strong pain medications.     I just received word that of an appointment with the lung specialist.   Has the cancer spread there too.    This is not an assignment that I would chose and like Jesus I have asked God that if possible to remove it from me.    I am still trusting for healing yet face the realities of what is happening with my body.     However I also note that Jesus surrendered to the will of the Father.      In fact, He knew the answer before He even asked, such was His agony.      He knew He must suffer and die for mankind.     There really was no option.      As the old hymn writer put it,  "The way of the cross leads home."
 

I have always said, "if God will get more glory from my suffering and dying then from me being healed then so be it."      I’m finding that one a tough one to live out in real life.    I’m not good at suffering.    Being slowed down is the toughest assignment I could be handed and I must trust Him everyday for the sustaining grace to be faithful to my assignment.     It is not natural but His grace has been sufficient.
 

There is a passage in the Book of Hebrews that brings this all in focus.     Having outline the Hall of Faith Heros in Chapter 11, the writer in Hebrews 12 tells us to keep our eyes on Jesus. "Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2).

 

 

Jesus knew that beyond the cross was salvation. Beyond the agony of the cross was the joy of salvation. As He endured the cross He knew what it would mean for all His followers. Without the cross there is only death and judgment and loss. The cross brings victory over sin and judgment and death. So, knowing this joy of victory, Jesus endured the suffering of the cross.
 

So, if this is my assignment. Knowing the joy that is set before me, I will endure this cross.     If this assignment is about showing others how to live by showing them how to die with faith and trust in the Saviour then I accept this assignment.    It is not easy, I do not like it, I find no joy in it other than the joy of knowing that it may help others face suffering and help them set their eyes firmly on Jesus the author (the one who gives and starts you on your faith journey) and finisher of their faith (the one who guarantees that once you start the faith journey you will arrive safely home with Him) then if I have been chosen for this assignment by my Saviour then I will face it head on with faith and confidence that He will enable me and see me through to the end. There is no turning back, I will trust Him implicitly.  Whether I live or die,  I am the Lord's.   ²
 

In addition to all this I know that when all is said and done. Healing or no healing. At the end of this "Unexpected Journey" I have the joy of knowing that I will see Him face to face.  That I the joy set before me.　

 

 

 

The Way Of The Cross Leads Home

I must needs go home by the way of the cross,
There’s no other way but this;
I shall ne’er get sight of the Gates of Light,
If the way of the cross I miss.

 

Refrain:
The way of the cross leads home,
The way of the cross leads home;
It is sweet to know, as I onward go,
The way of the cross leads home.

I must needs go on in the blood-sprinkled way,
The path that the Savior trod,
If I ever climb to the heights sublime,
Where the soul is at home with God. Then I bid farewell to the way of the world,
To walk in it nevermore; For my Lord says, "Come," and I seek my home,
Where He waits at the open door.

1 The clinical term is "hematohidrosis." Sweat drops of blood are medically possible as a result of extreme anxiety. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hematidrosis

2 The untold story here is that Wendy and my family have also been chosen for this assignment. I am amazed at her faith and confidence in God even though she grieves and anticipates further grief. Her’s is another story to be told in the "Unexpected Journey"

MEDICAL UPDATE

Sunday July 27, 2104

It’s been a mixed month with some good days and some bad days.     Fatigue is something I have faced pretty much every day which is hard for a pedal to the metal kind of guy like me but it is just something you can’t do anything about.    Life is like that and you either roll with the punches or drive yourself crazy.    Most days I’m good from about 7am - 3pm and then take a bit of a rest.
 

I have not had Chemotherapy since July 4.     We were able to schedule a break so that Wendy and I could take a couple of weeks vacation.    We were able to get away to the East Coast for an enjoyable trip though there were some rough days and on a couple of occasions we considered aborting the trip.
 

Once we returned to Toronto I had a very helpful Doctors appointment at Princes Margaret Hospital on Tuesday July 22.       Dr. Natalie Cook is very thorough and helpful in answering questions and helping us understand what is happening with my body.     She was able to give us the report from the Bone Scan I had and it is confirmed that the cancer has spread to my hip and one of my vertebra.     That, of course, was not good news.     Apparently it is very rare with this type of cancer for it to spread to the bone.    Of course I always have to do things the hard way.    I also found out that it is very rare with this kind of cancer to lose your hair but I’ve managed to do that too.     At first I really found myself being self-conscious about being bald and kept my cap on most of the time.    But you know, life will throw you curves and you can’t do one thing about it.     There are things in life, like getting cancer and going bald, that you can’t do anything about.    So rather than fight it I decided to embrace the baldness and sport Kojak look.      It’s happening whether I like it or not.      As I always said to my kids, "It’s not what happens to you but what happens in you that makes the difference."      Attitude is everything.
 

Each time they have measured the Cancer Markers in my body they have been down which means the cancer is decreasing in its activity but none the less still active.    Dr. Cook, however, seemed to be pleased that the markers were down and indicated that it would be months before we would have to worry about the effects of the disease having significant impact.     That does not mean, however, there are not complications as my body fights the disease and the chemotherapy.

 

Fatigue will be an increasing problem as will the pain from the bone cancer.    I’m not big on taking pain killers but have been taking Tylenol on some days to ease the pain a bit.     One of the main problems I’ve had has been a hacking cough that leaves me short of breath and which is often accompanied by a fever.     Once my temperature reaches 101ºf I am to go to Hospital Emergency in case there is an infection somewhere.    Dr. Cook has determined that there is an infection that has to be aggressively dealt with so the Chemo for this past Friday was cancelled so that the this infection could be treated with Steroids and Antibiotics.

 

Like I said, there are good days and bad days and I am thankful that God seems to give me special strength on Sundays so that I can continue to have the joy of preaching God’s Word to our congregation.     When you see me in public you may be fooled by my appearance because I seek to carry myself well and not whine too much or draw attention to myself. However, this disease continues to rage through my body and a Divine healing from God is the only thing that will keep me in this world so we covet your fervent and constant prayers.    

 

Our family continues to trust God with a rock solid faith knowing that He is good and though we certainly hope for a miracle know that failing that God has given us the incredible promise of Heaven and seeing Him face to face.     May I encourage you, that in whatever circumstance you find yourself, trust in God’s faithfulness to see you through and His incredible promises of eternity with Him.

 

Pastor Rick

Photo By Bethany Jo Mikelait

The Place Where Nobody Else Can Go

It was a beautiful sunny day as we exited through the revolving doors of the hospital where I had just had a Bone Scan.    The scan was probably the easiest, non-invasive test I had ever had.     The air was warm, the Sun was bright, it was a good day.    But as we walked along the sidewalk my emotions were very near the surface.    I was doing everything possible to keep them from overflowing right there in public.    Wendy could sense it so she said not a word.    She has become very good at judging when I just need time to process things.    We crossed the street and took the elevator to level 6 of the parking garage.     I unlocked the door to the car and held her door open then entered on the drivers side.     Sitting there, the silence was broken, "I just need 3-4 minutes" I said.

In this "Unexpected Journey" I have learned that there is a Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.    This hit me powerfully one day in the waiting room of the chemotherapy clinic as I watched an elderly gentleman whom I see there each week.    He stands out because his bald head is covered with crusty open sores caused by the chemo.     I watched him one day as he chatted with whom I presume to be his daughter.     He was gentle and kind but I could tell that he was not fully engaged.

 

In a moment or two I looked back.     He was sitting there just looking straight ahead, his hands folded in front of him.     I watched him for a moment and then realized that he was in that Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.      It’s different for everyone but I’m sure there are similarities.     It can be a lonely place where no one can go with you, no one can say "I know what you’re feeling" or "I know exactly what you’re going through."     Everyone has a unique personality, a unique set of emotions, and unique set of circumstances and therefore what they are experiencing is unique to them.

As I watched him I empathized with him.    There are things happening to him over which he has absolutely no control.     He cannot control the fact that his own body has turned against itself.     He cannot control the impact chemotherapy is having on his body.     The scars on his head are constant reminders that things are not under his control.      In this Place Where Nobody Else Can Go there is resignation, resignation to the fact that you are in a place that no one else can quite understand.     Resignation to the fact that death is likely just around the corner and you can’t stop it.     Resignation to the fact that things are happening to you that you don’t like, there are treatments and tests that you detest, that rob you of your dignity.

 

As I watched him I thought, friend, I know that place.     Friends and family give wonderful support and encouragement but in the end this is a Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.    You go there alone.     In can be a quiet place and you may hardly think at all.     You don’t analyse the situation, you’re not fighting it.     You are just there and nobody can fully understand what you are thinking or feeling because it is such a unique combination of you and your circumstances.

Being a football fan I can liken it to standing naked on the 50 yard line of a football field and there are 50,000 people in the stands.    You cannot move, you are stuck in that place.    The fans seem to hardly notice but you feel your nakedness.     You feel exposed and vulnerable and alone.      You wish somehow you could escape but you can’t.     You wish someone would come down out of the stands and take you to the dressing room.   But, nobody moves.

 

The wind begins to pick up and blows in your face.    Then the rain starts and the fans begin to leave the stands leaving you alone in the middle of the field.     You want to go too but you can’t move.     You are in that Place Where Nobody Else Can Go and you cannot escape.      The rain is harder now and the wind blows it against your face.     It’s lonely and its cold.     Then, without warning, the lights go out in the stadium, and you are completely alone in the dark.    It is eerie, it seems so deftly silent, yet it is strangely peaceful.     There is nobody there as the wind and the rain pelt you body.     Only you know what its like at that moment and even you can’t understand it.

 

The Bone Scan that morning was a relatively simple affair.     An easy non-invasive test.    In fact as I laid on the cot I fell asleep.    The emotion I was feeling as we sat in the car made no sense.    Nothing more was said but for those 3-4 moments as I just sobbed.     I don’t want to be here.    I don’t want all these tests, I don’t what to have to be going through chemo.     I don’t want this happening in my life.    But there I was, naked in the middle of the field in that Place Where Nobody Else Can Go.

After 3-4 minutes. I wiped my eyes and we drove home, laughing and telling each other jokes and being reminded of wonderful things we have experienced together under the good hand of God.     And perhaps most important of all, we talked about what Heaven would be like and we reminded each other of God’s faithful promise to His children that someday all us, every follower of Jesus,  would  arrive Home safe.

MEDICAL UPDATE

June 30, 2014

When Excellent Doesn’t Mean Excellent

and Dramatic Doesn’t Mean Dramatic

Well time for another short medical update for those of you who are following the medical aspects of the our "Unexpected Journey."      In my last report to you I told you that through the nurse the Doctor reported, " that my body is responding to the chemotherapy ‘excellently’ and that the cancer has been ‘drastically’ reduced.
 

Well, it turns out that those comments were overly optimistic.     It is true that my body has been handling the chemotherapy fairly well.     My only major side effect is a couple of days of extreme fatigue a week about 4-5 days after chemotherapy.     It’s difficult, but knowing some of the other significant side effects that I could have, I am thankful.
 

However, the idea that the cancer has been drastically reduced is very misleading.      As a layman, hearing the cancer is greatly reduced would lead one to  believe that the 6 cm tumour around the Pancreas was greatly reduced in size.     Such is not the case at all.     In fact it is pretty much the same size as when first discovered.     What was actually ‘drastically reduced’ is what they call the Tumour Markers.      These are bio-markers found in the blood that indicate the presence of cancer and its activity.      My Tumour Markers had gone from 38,000 to 22,000 which is a dramatic reduction but still indicates cancer activity in my body. 
  

On Tuesday June 17 I saw a new Doctor who went over the CT Scan report very carefully and thoroughly with me.      As it turns out, as I said the original tumour around the Pancreas hasn’t changed much in terms of size.      However, the Doctor suggest that in all likelihood the chemotherapy has prevented it from growing and so that is some good news.     In addition, the CT Scan reveals that there are over 20 confirmed or suspect cancer spots in my body including my liver, the lining of my stomach, and other places.     The situation is much more serious than what we were led to believe and needless to say I was quite unsatisfied with the Doctor who gave such a misleading report.     It was as if he didn’t believe I was intelligent enough to understand the situation.     My sense with this Doctor has been that he sees my situation as hopeless so there’s not much point investing much time or effort.      Not much of a confidence booster and I have asked not to be treated by this Doctor again.
 

In addition to this, there is some concern with something they saw on my hips and one of my vertebra.      There is fear that the cancer may have spread to these which of course would be a significant development and complication.     I am scheduled to have a ‘Bone Scan’ this Wednesday which is pretty much an all day affair.     I’ll arrive at the Hospital in the morning and expect to finish about 2-3 pm.

 

Though I continue to function (except the days of fatigue) pretty much as normal, neither I nor any one should be fooled into thinking that my situation is not extremely serious.     There is not long term hope on this earth except by the healing hand of God.     With the possible spread of cancer into the bones, your fervent prayers before God are even more important.     I have always felt that in order for God to get maximum glory in this "Unexpected Journey" then the situation has to be absolutely impossible so that there is no dispute when God moves in a miraculous way.
 

My family continues to be thankful for your continuous, fervent prayer on our behalf.

Prayer Items

• Bone Scan on Wednesday
• Scheduling so that we can get away for a couple of weeks vacation
• - I’ve asked for 2 weeks off of Chemotherapy as opposed to the usual one
• Wendy as she processes things and carries extra responsibility
• Divine Healing - for God’s Glory

Ordinary Days

Waiting for God to move and do something miraculous is a hard thing to do.    God moves in His own time and in His own ways and not in ours.    And sometimes He choses to move in different ways than we expected or had hoped.    Waiting is hard work and yet it is in the waiting that our faith is most strongly built and demonstrated.
 

Meanwhile, how do you live your life while you are waiting?    That has been our dilemma since my diagnosis with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer.     When the Doctors say you have 6-12 months to live, what do you do?     Certainly we are looking to God for a miracle of healing and there are thousands of people world wide praying for that end, but I for one don’t know God’s absolute will in this.    He hasn’t declared to my heart "I am going to heal you." My hope is in Him. I cry out to Him.    We have lots of conversations as to why I think me living longer would bring Him more glory but I don’t know what His plan for me is.     All I know is that He is my shepherd who will lead me through the wilderness and I will arrive safe on the other side.
 

How then do you live your life with the threat of death hanging over your head.    Some people have suggested that perhaps I should just take the next six months off and go on vacation with my family.     Others have suggested that we need to do something that we have longed to do but never got a chance to do.    Still others have suggested that perhaps what we need to do is just what we want to do.
 

The fact is that for Wendy and I we have been doing exactly what we’ve wanted to do all of our married lives. God has called us to be shepherds of His flock.    That’s what we’re called to do.    That’s what we like to do.    That’s what we are hard wired to do.     That’s what we’ve been doing and that’s what we want to continue to do until God calls us home.     I’ve often thought that "man if you only have 6 months to live and you have to change the way you live, you haven’t been living right."    If you’ve been living out God’s will for your life, why do you need to change?
 

So, during this time we’ve just tried to keep living as normal as possible.     I’ve continued to preach and minister to the people of Parkway Bible Church with great joy.    We’ve taken a bit more time as a family to hang out together and we go back and forth to see the grand children more and we are much more conscious of our times together.    But as much as possible we’re just trying to live ordinary lives through this time.

 

Some people are amazed that I keep going and that I (as well as the rest of my family) seem to be handling this so well. There are no heroes here.    We are just a family with their faith firmly rooted in the Great Shepherd who will carry us through this however it unfolds. We didn’t get here all of a sudden.     We have been learning to simply follow Him through the years.    He has been busy building good stuff into us so that in this time of crisis that good stuff takes over and demonstrates itself.    Suffering not only builds your faith, it demonstrates your faith.     It reveals what’s really there. It is only in times like this that you see the depth and reality of your faith. Faith demonstrates itself not in the good times but when it is tested by fire. 

 

Those who truly trust in God, though there are surely many tears and struggles, don’t fall apart when the going gets tough.     It is in those moments that true faith is demonstrated. And just to be clear.    It is God who gives us this kind of faith.    I am not a super saint. Because of what God has been building into my life and into the lives of my family, we don’t know any other way to act than to trust God through this.    We are not heroes.    We act the way we do because that’s the way we act.     We don’t know how to do it any other way.

So, while we wait for God to demonstrate His power and bring healing we seek to live pretty ordinary lives.     We choose to believe that He will heal and yet are well aware that He may choose not to.     Meanwhile, we live for Him and His glory.     That means we go about the business God has called us to do.    It also means we do that with certain limitations that have been placed upon us by my illness.    Here’s a typical week.     We’ll start with Friday because that’s the day I get chemotherapy which pretty much dictates the rest of the week.

                   Friday
- Head to Princess Margaret Hospital down town about 9:30 am for blood test at 10:30 am. Have lunch and head for chemotherapy at 1pm. There are two different drugs that are fed intravenously over about 2-3 hrs. I get to sit in a big comfy chair and can read or do whatever.

Saturday 
- Because Chemotherapy includes steroids Saturdays are usually pretty good days and I am perhaps the strongest in the week. I feel good enough to do some yard work. I used to only review my sermons on Saturdays and do the Power Points but because I lose a lot of time through the rest of the week there are lots of ministry things to get done on the Saturday. I am really thankful for this day.

                   Sunday
- I’m thankful that Sunday mornings I’m still pretty strong and God has been doing amazing things in my heart and in the heart of the Parkway Bible Church congregation. I am thankful to God that I have not missed one Sunday of preaching other than a day off or vacation. - By the time Sunday night rolls around I begin to feel tired.
                   Monday
- Mondays are generally very bad. The steroids are wearing off and the side effects of the drugs (which are virtually poison) begin to kick in. I pray before each chemo session that the drugs won’t hurt me.   - Most Mondays I am so wiped out with fatigue that I don’t move far from my bed. I’m not sure how to describe it other than feeling like you’ve got a bad flu bug and for me my hips and legs and lower body are in pain. 　
                   Tuesday
- Tuesdays are much like Mondays. Sometimes worse. This past week at some point in the afternoon I just laid in bed in pain and misery and wept. This is simply side effects of the chemo but it is very difficult for Wendy to watch me go through. On Monday and Tuesdays I do what work I can at home and this past week on Monday got my sermon notes ready for this Sunday in between a half dozen naps.
                    Wednesday
- Returning more or less to normal. Most Wednesdays I’m able to go to the church and function much like normal.
                    Thursday
- Feeling pretty strong (not as strong as when I’m not on chemo but strong). Though I get winded easily I can pretty much function as normal. I’ve pretty much reduced my work load to that which is essential so Wednesdays and Thursdays are pretty important days in which I work hard. I’ve cut out un-necessary meetings and activities so that I can give my attention to Parkway. Saturday is also a day for getting work done.

Other than Mondays and Tuesdays when I’d rather not see anyone and when I am feeling like death warmed over, I am seeking to live a normal life and pursuing normal activities.     I’ve got my Argos seasons tickets bought and am looking forward to the games. Tim and I are going to be taking in some Blue Jays games.    We’re going to be doing some picnics with our family. 
  

I know that many people don’t know how to approach us or how to treat us when they see us.     It’s easy really. Just treat us as you normally would.      We’‘re still Rick and Wendy and we’ve got all the interests we’ve always had.     We don’t dwell on my illness.    We appreciate your concern and it’s okay to ask about my condition but we are interested in discussing all kinds of other things as well.     We’re actually more interested in hearing how you are doing then talking about how we are doing.     The last thing Wendy and I need is to be pitied.     Yes there are lots of concerns and issues we must face, but we are doing well and we have the Good Shepherd who is leading us through this. 
 

Lately thoughts about Heaven have been very strengthening for both of us and our family as we’ve discussed what Heaven will be like.     We are reminded that Heaven is all about Christ.     He is the one we love with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.     We have been following and serving Him all these years and in Heaven we will see Him face to face and that’s what will make Heaven, Heaven.
 

We’ve also been reminded of how privileged we have been to serve Him in this world. They say that everyone wants to go to Heaven but no body wants to die.    I really get that. I oscillate between getting excited about Heaven and ministry here on earth.    We were created for life and not death and I believe that God has placed a survival instinct within us that makes us want to continue to press on in this life.      I think of so many things I’d like to see happen at Parkway and it seems that God is up to something good in the church that I want to be part of.      I think of the ministry in Cuba through Calvary Road.     There are so many opportunities opening up. So many people and ministries we could help.    The Container with hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical equipment is ready to be shipped and I want to meet it when its opened at the nursing home in Cuba.
 

I know that ultimately God is sovereign and God is in control.    I know that I will not leave this world until I have completed the assignment God has given me.     Meanwhile, I am just an ordinary guy seeking to do God’s will.    My family is just an ordinary family seeking to live one day at a time under God’s direction.    We are just ordinary people firmly in His grip.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. 

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

(Psalm 46:1-2)

MEDICAL UPDATE

Monday June 2, 1014

 

It has been a while since we’ve given you a Medical Update, so here it is.

The original CT Scan that was taken on Thursday February 27, 2014 and a subsequent liver biopsy revealed that there were 5 cancerous lesions on my liver and a 6 cm mass around the base of my Pancreas.       There were some other things that were inconclusive.         I was told that without chemotherapy life expectancy was 3-6 months and with chemotherapy 6-12 months. Give or take.
 

I began chemotherapy on Friday March 28.     The regiment is three weeks on and one week off.      I completed two rounds of Chemotherapy and a second CT Scan was conducted.     I had an appointment with the Medical Oncologist on Tuesday May 13, 2014 at which I was to get a report.      Unfortunately because of a backlog the CT report was not ready for that appointment.     Which really made the appointment a waste of time as that was the purpose.

 

However, we made a phone call to the Hospital on Friday May 16, 2014 and the nurse reported the Doctors observation. The Doctor reported that my body is responding to the chemotherapy "excellently" and that the cancer had been "drastically" reduced. No specifics were given as to the present size of the mass on my Pancreas.

The Doctor is anxious to get a hold of the original CT Scan done back on Thursday Feb. 27,2014 so he can compare the two.      We took a copy of that scan to the Hospital this past Friday. 
 

I will complete the third round of chemotherapy this Friday and have an appointment with the Medical Oncologist on Tuesday June 17 at which time I hope to get more details as to the size of the mass and the Doctors perception of the difference between the two CT Scans.

Please be reminded that Chemotherapy is not going to cure this.    There is no cure.    The only thing the chemo will do is give a little more time.     The real cure for this is Divine healing that only comes from our Lord. Please keep praying.

 

Day To Day Health

Some of you have been wondering about my day to day health.      I am doing remarkably well.      In fact, things are going extremely well.       Thank God that the only effects of the Chemotherapy is periods of fatigue where I just have to rest.     No vomiting, nausea, or other effects other than my hair has fallen out.        My beard got so patchy I had to shave it off after having it for nearly 30 years.        Needless to say I feel a bit naked without my hair.

I can get winded fairly easily if I exert to much physical energy but I am trying to function as normally as possible and reserve my energy for essential tasks.        I am pretty much maintaining my regular work schedule with counselling, administration, sermon preparation etc.          When I need to, I take a rest and I feel free to turn down appointments if necessary.        Everyone reminds me that I am fighting cancer and Chemotherapy and I have to look after myself.      I’m trying.

In public, other than the fact that you’d notice my hair loss, you would never know there is something wrong with me.       My preaching over the past several months I am told has been especially meaningful and powerful and I have not missed a Sunday.     There is really no need for you to treat me with kid gloves.    I try to rest when I can so that I can keep appointments.    If I'm in an appointment with you and feel tired,  I'll just excuse myself.    I am exceedingly thankful to God that I can carry on.

 

A big thanks to all of you who faithfully pray for me and my family.      There are litterally thousands of you all over the world.       Many of you I know personally and some of you I do not.        I am amazed at the prayer movement God is raising up on my behalf.        Only a healing touch from God will preserve my life that I might continue to ministry.      There is so much more I want to do and accomplish.        There are people in Cuba who long to see me and count on me to help in their ministries.       The work at Parkway Bible Church is getting exciting and I think God is up to something and I want to be part of it.

 

Prayer Request:
 1) Sustaining grace for my family and I as we take this "Unexpected Journey."
        - We are seeking to live normal lives

2) The continued positive impact of the Chemotherapy and for good medical attention.

3) Continued ability to conduct ministry and honour God in all that we do.

4) Divine healing. That there would be, not a remission, but a complete elimination of the cancer that would bring God ultimate glory and encourage His church world wide.

　

Thank You and God Bless You.

Because of Calvary

Pastor Rick

 

 

 

 



A Few Days Away
- Alone

It had been a hectic pace.     I had received my diagnosis of Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer on Friday February 28, 2014.      Our entire family was still in shock trying to get our heads around this news. 

On Monday the contractors arrived to gut our kitchen and begin 6 weeks of kitchen and house renovations.  There was virtually no where in the house where we could be alone.   The stress levels were high but we coped. 

Sometimes we went for a drive in the car just to get alone and talk.    There were times we wanted to shed tears but there was no privacy.    One day I actually went out to sit in the car just to have a cry and cry out to God.

As soon as the contractors left the visitors started to arrive.     For three solid weeks we had company who had come to visit, show their concern, and presumably see me for the last time.    Though we appreciated their visits, Wendy and I, after eight or nine weeks,  still had not had time to be alone to process things, to talk at a deeper level and just comfort one another.

The Elders and people at Parkway have been phenomenal in their support and had encouraged us to take a Sunday or two off from time to time.     So we took the first weekend in May.      A friend of mine made the arrangements for us at a wonderful bed and breakfast at Niagara on the Lake which is a beautiful part of Southern Ontario Wine Country.   (Neither Wendy or I drink wine but sure do love the country)

We left early Sunday morning and stayed the first night in a quiet hotel just down river from Niagara Falls itself.     These were our first quiet moments.     We held hands and did a little walking around the falls area and had a dinner together.     The first time we were really alone to process what was happening in our lives.

We were determined to, yes be prepared for, the worst, yet we chose to live our lives one day at a time and hope for the best.      We were hugely aware of the thousands and thousands of people world wide who are not just praying for us, but praying for a miracle of healing from God,  so we chose to live in hope that God would grant us His mercy and kindness.

We enjoyed that first night being quiet.     I ran Wendy a bubble bath while I watched a game on TV (can’t remember if it was hockey or baseball).      On Monday morning we took a leisurely drive down the Niagara Parkway to our Bed and Breakfast in a very quiet area outside Niagara on the Lake.       It was a very quiet place after all the commotion we had experienced.      As soon as we drove in the driveway we observed some golden finches and a couple of red breasted grosbeaks near the bird feeders on the front porch.     Our room was really a mini-suite with a bathroom, sitting area with walk out deck and a loft for a bedroom.     There was no cable TV or Internet so this was going to be a really quiet get away.      Just what we needed.

With no agenda or appointments before us there was lots of time to rest and reflect.     That was a good thing  as Monday and Tuesday I was very fatigued from the chemotherapy I had received on Friday.        Its not exactly what you think of when you go away for a few days but I slept a lot Monday and Tuesday while Wendy did some reading.       We did however go for a drive through Wine Country, enjoyed the scenery, and talked about lots of things, laughed together and just enjoyed being with each other.     In the evening we had supper at the Outback in Niagara Falls and took a slow drive back to our B&B along the Niagara Parkway.  

There were some serious things we had to talk about.     Though we are both trusting God to heal me,  we also realize that the natural outcome apart from God's divine intervention is death somewhere within the next ten months.       As we drove slowly along we talked about what life would be like for Wendy without Rick.     This is a road many have trod.     Yes it is a journey many have travelled before,  but this is the first time, and the only time that Wendy will make this journey.      It is frightening.     It is painful.     And it is lonely.     They say when you lose a loved one it takes two  years to adjust.      Yet, you never really get over it.     You  don't forget a lifetime of good times and precious memories.     There is always a missing place in your heart, a missing piece.    You just learn to adjust your life to a new reality that doesn't include the physical presence of your loved one.

We talked long and gently to each other about what life would be like without Rick.     The adjustments that would need to be made, how she could cope, where she would find new hope,  how things would work out financially.        We held hands as we talked.     "What's the point without you?   I don't care about the new kitchen if you are not there to share it with me"  she said through tears.       I reminded her that in time she would find purpose and meaning,  that she still had children and grandchildren to enjoy and over time would find new purpose in ministry and serving.      Tears swelled up in her eyes as she gently cried.   She squeezed my hand gently three times.     She did this often.   "I love you" it says.    I squeezed her hand tightly, "I'm here.   You're safe.   I love you."      These were familiar hand signals.      But this time I thought.   I might not always be here to protect her.     I had to remind myself that she was God's before she was mine and He would have to be her protector.        Though we are aware of the deep depth and maturity of our  love and affection for each other,  this Unexpected Journey was taking it to a whole new level.     Tears were flowing freely and we were more aware than ever that we were the central characters in an incredible love story. 

We ended the evening with a short walk along the edge of the Niagara Gorge and stopped for the longest time just to watch the Red Tailed Hawks soar and hunt over the gorge.    I love birds of prey, raptors.       We had been so busy and disrupted  for the past two months that we'd hardly had time for such a leisurely walk.      Somehow this walk seemed so special, so enjoyable.       There is something about the Unexpected Journey that makes the simple things of life seem so incredibly important and valuable.

We woke up Tuesday morning to a wonderful breakfast provided by our hostess.     She has about a dozen hens that produce fresh eggs daily.      You can't get them any fresher then that.      We had a wonderful discussion with her about her ministry to migrant workers in the Niagara region.      Then it was off to explore.     Of course there was times for naps in between. 

In the evening as Wendy sat on the couch I laid with my head  her lap.      As we talked,  I thought about this incredible woman of God.     She is so unlike me.     She is a gentle quiet giant of a women who requires no fanfare or place In the spotlight.       Unless you know her well you will misunderstand her.       She is highly intelligent, extremely capable, an outstanding organized, has a wonderful sense of humour (we have laughed so much together), politically astute, theologically sound, and has a deep, quiet, and sound as a rock faith in God.   She could have gone far in the business world but when we were married she chose to  be the executive director of our home.     There is no way I could have done half the stuff I've done in ministry without her at my side.     I am the upfront guy but she has been an equal partner through these 38 years of marriage and ministry.

As strong and capable of a woman as she is, it has been my privilege to be her partner and protector for all these years.     Though she is more than capable of handling all that life throws at her,  I have been her protector, security and strength.     I have enjoyed that role.   She has rested in it and had been freed by it.    It has given her a sense of security and safety that has allowed her flourish as the woman God has made her.    Through the years, especially the early years,  when on occasion career women seemed to looked down on her or considered her less than capable for choosing this role, she stood confident in her ability and her choice which she has never regretted.

As I lay with my head in her lap,  I thought, "this woman deserves so much more."  This Unexpected Journey is hers as much as it is mine.     If God chooses not to heal me,  I will be in Heaven, but she will continue the journey alone.     As I said, I know she was God's before she was mine and I must learn to trust her to Him..      But it's so hard.     I cried as she rubbed my arm, not saying a word and she asked no questions.      The deepest communication often requires no words.

Wednesday morning we enjoyed breakfast together as we watched the birds at the feeder through the window.     The morning was fresh and crisp and the effects of the chemo were wearing off.      We decided to take a slow trip back to the city so I called my Administrative Assistant, Janet, to cancel a morning meeting and we enjoyed a leisurely drive through Niagara Wine Country.     I'm a cheese lover and one of the things we love doing is finding the small cheese factories and trying out their specialties.      The Upper Canada Cheese Company was nearby so we made our way there and tested several specialty cheeses.  Bought two cheeses and a bottle of Ice Wine Jam for a total of almost $70.   We must be nuts, but hey, we're spending a few days alone together.  What price can you put on that?

As we passed through Port Dalhousie Wendy spotted a foot bridge over some water.    She loves walking in nature and over such structures and mentioned how she wished we could walk over it.      I still felt weak from the chemo but wanted so much to please her.  Weakened by the chemo I'm often short of breath.     We talked about coming back someday.      "Lord" I said in my heart, "give me some extra strength."      I spotted a shorter boardwalk bridge that I thought might be easier to handle considering my weakened condition and quickly pulled into a parking lot near the water.

We got out of the car and hand in hand we walked along the water trail and over the short bridge.     Then I realized that as we crossed the road this led to a path to the longer bridge.      I thought, "Wendy so enjoys this sort of thing, let's go for it."      So again, hand in hand, we went on the longest walk we've done together since I was diagnosed.     What a beautiful crisp day as we quietly walked across the big foot bridge.   We stopped several times along the way to watch the birds and observe the scenery.      Oh  how we were enjoying this time alone together.

A few more stops along the way.      A quick burger in Beamsville and then back home.    A few days away - alone were so precious.     They bind us together in unfailing love, focus our hope on God alone, and strengthen us for this "Unexpected Journey."

 

Where Do I Begin

(Theme from 'Love Story' - Barry Manilow) 

Where do I begin to tell the story

Of how great a love can be

The sweet love story that is older than the sea

The simple truth about the love she brings to me

...

 She fills my heart

She fills my heart with very special things

Angel songs and wild imaginings

She fill my soul with so much love

That any where I go I'm never lonely

With her around who could be lonely

I reach for her hand

She's always there